EDNOS Diaries

Warning: Entry contains eating disorder and suicidality triggers

2011-06-25T04:47:00.002-02:30

I keep thinking I need to do more treatment. Somewhere, anywhere. Then I could finally face the things that make me suicidal head-on, and learn to deal with them. The only problem is, I have no idea where to go for this.

M House? I just left there. Plus I don't think I'm prepared to go back for a third time, especially since it's not even two months since I left. I mean... sometimes you've gotten all you're going to get out of a particular program, you know? Sometimes enough's enough.

HOPE? I do that already, and they can't help me with any of the deeper issues. The only chance is the psychologist, but she has a 2-3 month wait list right now, and even then she is technically only supposed to do short-term therapy.

An eating disorder program? They usually can't handle the acute suicidality, or the chronic stuff either. I would have to talk explicitly about that with any sort of ED residential I could apply for. And they'd have to have individual therapy, which a place like Homewood, for example, does not. And Homewood is supposed to be a "top of the line" treatment in Canada. There really aren't that many other options.

Why the fuck don't they have a program for people with BPD in Canada, seriously? It's actually ludicrous. Bullshit. I know that what awaits me, under the ED, the depression, anxiety... it's the borderline part trying to come out. The part that fucking HATES me, that hates me so much that I want to destroy myself, slice myself to pieces, burn myself away, take an overdose so I just fucking DIE already. Only I never actually die, because then the small part of rationality that always seems to remain gets me to tell on myself -- tell a friend, call the paramedics, go to a hospital. I can never seem to actually complete a suicide attempt. And the hospitals around here? Well, they're a fucking joke, really. I was in HSC in June, short stay not long ago, and neither one of them could do anything that TRULY helped the suicidality. Both were holding bins until I could get my act together enough that I wouldn't actually try to complete suicide. Neither meant that the suicidal thoughts actually stopped once I got out.

But the ones that loom right behind ED for me, now... they are the sorts of urges I can't ignore. I feel, within some deeper part of my being, that they are right. That I've had enough of this shit, and I'm not getting any proper help, and it looks like I won't for a long time, so FUCK THIS FUCKING LIFE. I am seriously sick of all this shit now. I just want out. I want out I want out I want out.

But I can't overtly kill myself. Fine. So I take laxatives a couple of times a day, go through excruciating cramps and bouts of very watery diarrhea. So I eat less, and try not to eat foods with a lot of potassium or salt. I start eating and purging, because not allowing ANY food doesn't seem to work anymore, knowing that purging is also getting rid of fluids, potassium, electrolytes generally. So I stop taking my iron pills any more than once every 3-4 days -- just enough to make me non-anemic, because getting short of breath and having ZERO energy make me want to eat more. Never take the proper dosages, because I don't deserve to get fully physically better, and anyway, completely fixing a medical problem brought on by ED seems counter to my goals here. So I pursue the eating disorder, and self-destruction, with every moment of my day when I actually stop to think, and I build it up gradually, to build up my tolerance, and maybe soon this whole fucking piece of bullshit I call a life will finally be done with. Accidentally, one day. Oops, heart skipped one too many beats. Oops, passed out. Oops, accidental death, don't know when it's coming, won't tell on myself, it's not really fatal till it's actually fatal, and if it happens I won't be around to see the consequences.

This is where my head is lately. And it is a fucking awful place to be.

2011-06-14T01:55:00.000-02:30

I fucking hate life. I fucking hate... everything.

I guess I'm sort of in relapse mode, now. I've only lost about 4 lbs, making my real weight about 117 (scale weight with clothes and food is about 120), but I am purposely not eating nearly what I should, and some days I hardly eat anything at all. I went away this weekend, and ate fairly normally throughout the weekend, so now apparently I have to restrict a lot to "make up" for it. Even though I know I couldn't have GAINED any weight this weekend, the fact that I'm pretty sure I didn't lose any is apparently a problem.

I also bought laxatives today, and took 4 a few hours ago (dose on package is 1-2, but the package dose NEVER works for me). I didn't even buy them to be "empty", as I still have fairly regular BMs... I just did it to lower my electrolytes, and to put myself through physical discomfort and/or pain. I just... feel like I deserve it, so much. I really really do.

I was suicidal practically every night last week... I actually ended up inpatient on Monday night, because it was getting bad enough that I was planning how I'd do it, and I think I actually would have taken an OD had I not gone into hosp that afternoon. My stay was completely useless, though -- the "team" at short stay doesn't have a fucking clue about psychological disorders, and consequently couldn't do shit for me. They couldn't even speed up my psychology referral at T Clinic (I've probably got at least another YEAR till I get a new therapist). So I asked to go home the next day at around lunchtime, and within an hour or so I was discharged. I didn't even have to fight with them. But I knew the psychiatrist would let me go, because I framed things when I spoke to her as a "freakout" (which is not exactly the right term for it), plus I was resisting everything the "team" was telling me, because it was all bullshit. (Well, it was.)

Of course, I still can't deal psychologically with my life, and if I keep thinking like that about suicide I'm going to end up in hosp again, and I cannot fucking STAND that ward, and I want to remain out of there if at all possible. But not acting on the suicidal urges doesn't make them go away... it just makes me need another, different method of holding back those particular thoughts. So... apparently ED is starting to return to its former place in my life.

After everything I worked so hard for... I came to a psychological challenge that I absolutely cannot deal with on my own, and no one can help me, so here I am, going back to where I started again. I am fucking PISSED about it, really truly, but I feel like there's nothing I can do about it right now or I will literally go insane, and/or actually end up dead this time, because I'm fed up with turning myself in. So... what's worse, destroying my soul with an eating disorder and yet leaving my physical body alive for longer, or killing the physical body when it's the mind I really want to kill, and in actual fact I don't truly want to die? I really don't fucking know at this point. I just know the option I prefer, and it isn't the suicide one.

2011-06-09T01:29:00.000-02:30

I just cannot seem to cope as of about five days ago, but it’s not something that’s going to go away quickly... and I get to my wit’s end about it every day. The only thing keeping me from doing something horrible to myself tonight is the fact that I’m going out of town for a few days tomorrow, which is something that I hope will keep me distracted and on the happier side for at least that time period.

I know one thing I need — therapy — but I can’t get that for quite a long time yet. (At least 2-3 months, and even then it might only be short-term therapy.) I have NO fucking idea how I’m going to continue to deal with this horrible, awful emotional pain EVERY GODDAMNED DAY until then... and probably longer still after that, since it will obviously take awhile to start dealing with it. I can’t imagine how I’m going to make it through every single one of those fucking days.

2011-06-02T23:49:00.000-02:30

My new mantra is: Fuck food, and fuck life.

2011-06-02T05:20:00.000-02:30

It's stupid... I'm eating again, I'm eating somewhat intuitively now (although it can't fully be trusted yet), and I'm actually sort of okay with being this big (I am definitely at least 125 by now), and yet here I am contemplating throwing it all down the shitter and just going with my eating disorder again.

Why?

Because other people seem to have it soooo fucking easy with their disorders. They never have to face up to responsibility, or risk, or crazy anxiety because they're worried about how to pay their ridiculous bills, or what they're going to do in school, or what the hell is going to happen if they ever meet someone they want to be with and their intimacy issues crop up. Nooo. Other people get to dive into their eating disorders or self-harm or whatever, and get all the numbness and comfort from it, and never face f*cking reality. But meanwhile here I am, slogging through real life, actually trying to fucking do something for myself... and what am I actually getting out of it?

Stupid crazy anxiety. A fucked-up sleep cycle, in part because I've had so many fucking med changes lately, and every time I increase my Seroquel just by 12.5 mg I am asleep for 12-13 hours because it sedates me so badly. Days when I can't even go out, because the thought of having to be in the world and face it is so incredibly overwhelming that I can't handle it. Depression, when I have moments where I'm so sick of doing the same shit over again, yet I know I have to find some way to be content with the same things over and over, because I'm so fucking poor that I can't afford anything different.

And then I start reading shit online about emotional neglect, childhood neglect, and it makes me think all this effort at recovery is fucking worthless anyway. Because my parents will NEVER admit they could have been emotionally neglectful, even unintentionally (and I do believe it was unintentional), so how the fuck can I ever fix it? I'm probably gonna wait another 2 fucking YEARS to see a psychologist at T Clinic, and until then I have... what, a social worker who does "counseling"? I need real fucking THERAPY for this shit. And I can never find anybody who will fucking do it, and do it RIGHT.

Hopelessness. That's what this is. And wanting an easy way out, because the hard way seems like it's never going to work, and I don't know what the fuck to do anymore, and I'm trying SO FUCKING HARD and this is not working. What more do I have to do to make this work?? What more do I have to do not to suffer from depression/dysthymia, anxiety, the [very large] remnants of emotional neglect? What more do I have to do to be comfortable with my sexuality, to be comfortable telling boys who think I'm attractive or nice that, sorry, I'm actually gay? What more do I have to do to actually be fucking OKAY, and BELIEVE that I am okay????

I am just... so incredibly frustrated. And I hate all this fucking bullshit. Maybe I would feel better if I, too, pulled into myself and destroyed myself and just became a selfish, dismayed, petulant child again. Maybe I fucking would.

2011-05-06T23:08:00.000-02:30

I am out of treatment... I left M House on Monday night. I feel reasonably comfortable about this, as I'm fairly secure in my meal plan these days, managed to recover from a few "slips" on my own, and almost all my overnight and weekend passes had gone without a hitch. Basically, I felt I didn't need to actually be living at M House to continue on the level of recovery I've achieved so far. I wrote up three specific goals when I went to M House, as this was a requirement for going back, and I definitely feel I've made some significant progress on those goals.

1. Eat at least 3 meals and 1-2 snacks daily; also make whatever changes/increases dietician recommends. NO binging and/or purging. - I had a few slips, yes, but they did remain only slips, and I managed to get back on the rails and back to my full meal plan and my no binging, no purging. Currently I usually eat 3 meals and 2 snacks per day, but an extra snack may come into play if I stay up particularly late (night snack), or get up and eat breakfast earlier than usual (morning snack). If I'm having a day where I've been feeling particularly hungry all day, I look at my protein intake, which at least 8-9 times out of 10 is where I've erred (sometimes I'm not paying enough attention and don't get quite as much protein as I should). If I am hungrier than usual, I don't ignore it. I need to feed my body the fuel that it requires to get through a day.

2. Learn and USE new coping skills to help with underlying depression, anxiety, and/or emotional distress (eg mindfulness, distractions, whatever). - I definitely feel that I've done this, too. Positivity ended up being a huge factor in this, actually; I turned my previous thinspo Tumblr (yeah, yeah, I know) into an extremely positive, recovery-oriented Tumblr, and I started seeking out Tumblr and Twitter folk to follow who were posting very positive, helpful messages. Affirmations also helped a little in the beginning, and continue to help when I'm having a particularly bad moment.

Another tool I found invaluable when at the very beginning of my stay at M House was reading. I read several very very good books within the span of a couple of weeks: Jenni Schaefer's "Life Without Ed" and "Goodbye Ed, Hello Me", which were absolutely amazing, as well as a couple of other positive books, or books that really made me think (such as "A Stroke of Insight" and "The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog"). These gave me a really good foundation for outside of myself that #1, recovery WAS possible, evidenced by the fact that someone else had done it and had all sorts of specific and helpful tidbits outlined in her books, and #2, that I was sick not because there was something wrong with me, or because life had done me wrong so often that it was impossible to get out of it, but because bad things happened and my brain did wonky things with the bad stuff. My brain definitely had a predisposition to go "wonky", as everyone's who has mental illness does, and once certain pathways in the brain are set up and reinforced so many times, it becomes easier and easier to think like that. And, of course, when critical pathways are ignored, such as the ability to think non-negatively or to cope with emotions or hard times without disorders, they fade away and get rerouted elsewhere.

So I guess, for me, what made a HUGE difference was realizing that my sickness really was not part of me, but rather was a complex set of layers of brain pathways all trained to go in the wrong directions and make faulty assumptions. Crucial to fixing those, however, was having the new, positive, other-perspective input (such as Jenni's books, or affirmations I felt I could come to believe) to put in there instead. Focusing on the negative never fixes you. Instead of saying something like "I am not worthless", for example, you need to say "I am worthy". In the first statement, even though you're saying you're NOT that, what your brain hears is the word "worthless", which further reinforces the pathway you have built up for worthless. Using "I am worthy" instead will create the new pathway for "worthy" and allow you to start thinking about what makes you worthy, why you feel you're not worthy, etc, so you can work on any issues that crop up, and once you've done that begin to truly believe that you ARE worthy.

3. Come to a greater acceptance of my sexuality. - This is a trickier one, as it's a longer-term issue and involves all the underlying self-esteem issues, my avoidant-type fear of anyone hating me, etc. I did not write this as "Learn to accept my sexuality" for that exact reason. I do believe that I did come to better terms with it during my stay, although I know I would certainly still have my fears about intimacy, certain individuals finding out, etc. However, I think I would be able to cope with things like that if it came down to it, now; and I don't hate myself and my feelings (and desires) with a passion anymore. So there is some improvement there.

And now... I have to figure out what the hell I want to do with my life, and what I need to accomplish to get there. It's figuring out what I want to do that's the hardest part. I am leaning towards a degree in sociology, even though I know it is hard to get a job with such a degree... then again, that's what graduate school could be for, if I decide to go that route. But if I change my degree halfway through, or decide at some point that I don't actually WANT a degree, then I can change, or stop school altogether. I am actually allowing myself to make decisions like that if I want to, which is a BIG step. Before this, I felt basically obligated to get a university bachelor's degree; nothing else would ever do. But if I did decide that trade school, or just jumping into some job, was the better thing for me to do at some point, I WOULD now do it. The fact that what I want to do still coincides with a bachelor's degree is just a happenstance, really. You know?

I think I'm done writing for now. Feel free to send any comments or questions or whatever. It's probable that I've left quite a bit out of this entry that maybe should be here, for better clarity of what exactly has gone through my head in these last couple of months.

2011-04-23T17:21:00.000-02:30

Had another fucking slip last night... had a mini binge, and then purged. I decided I really REALLY wanted some Kraft Dinner last night, so I started making it, but maybe halfway through it cooking figured out I wasn't actually hungry. Rather than just not eating it, though, I was craving it so badly that I had a rather large bowl. After that I couldn't get the thought of b/ping out of my head, especially because I had (stupidly) gone and read the Purgatorium on LJ (a bulimia community), and it made me remember all the comfort and fun I used to get out of bulimia, and it really made me miss it. So both of those things combined with feeling lonely and kind of hating my life lead me to eat the rest of the box of KD, and then purge.

Of course, after I did it I felt like complete shit about myself, and got really pessimistic about my ability to actually stay in recovery once I leave M House. However, the rational part of me can see some things that I can change in the future so I don't find myself in this situation again, such as actually taking all the KD out of my house (since it was a binge food, and I have at least 7-8 boxes in my cupboard), making sure I have no other triggering foods in my house (like the bunch of chocolate my sister brought to me from my mom for Easter), not going on sites like the Purg, etc. So... I don't know. Part of me really really REALLY wants to b/p again, because that addict in me wants it so fucking badly, but the other part of me is planning what I can do so I don't slip again, or at least not in the same way. I guess I just... don't get my mind right now.

I need to actually think, and write, in detail about all the things I fear happening once I leave M House, and all the things that are bothering me lately. Once I do that I may be able to think of solutions that just aren't coming to me with it all swimming around in my head, popping in and out seemingly randomly. I just wish writing about my life and what bothers me was easier.

There are times when I really, really hate recovery. Unfortunately, this is one of them emoticon. But I have to keep going on.... I can't NOT go on. This is my life, and if I don't work at making it better, and keep myself on track generally, nobody else is going to. And that's the shittiest part of all about it. I don't get a break, and I can't have one, because recovery is not just something I can enter and leave whenever... it is built into my LIFE, and that is an inherent trait about it. I literally cannot escape it, much as I may want to sometimes. And I am definitely itching to escape it lately.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

2011-04-19T21:18:00.000-02:30

Eating's back on track a little more today... I did skip breakfast, aside from a coffee, but after supper I was able to allow myself a couple extra slices of toast w/ marg & jam, which mostly made up for the calories. Everything else was fairly "normal" (as in, on my usual eating schedule). I'm pretty much okay with this, for now... I just hope it lasts. I really do hope so.

Now if I could figure out why it is I feel so dysphoric or anxious or down when I do, and could work on it... that would be wonderful. *sigh*

2011-04-16T18:47:00.001-02:30

Okay, so... up until a few days ago, I was doing really really well. Like extraordinarily well. But in the last couple of days my mindset has started to slip a bit. I had the experience of a renewed intensity in my belief about being fat, being horribly disproportionate, having a ridiculously fatty and bulgy midsection, etc etc. This in turn has led to a lot of self-hatred, which I think is what's been leading me into the more volatile, negative moods I've been having.

It didn't manage to creep into my eating patterns until today, though. Today's breakfast was not the usual (a large bowl of higher-calorie cereal with soymilk and a coffee with creamer) because I had no cereal I wanted to eat in my apartment (I'm home on an overnight pass); instead of it was a bowl of oatmeal, a slice of ww toast with peanut butter, and about half a coffee with almond milk. Calorically, this is at least 100-200 calories less than what I usually have for breakfast. Then I delayed snack by at least an hour... though I did have a fairly normal-sized snack, as calorically it was about the same as my usual snacks. However, my supper was missing any fruit or veg exchanges (I usually have at least 1-2), and I don't have any desserts here, either, so I didn't eat dessert. And now it's around when I would usually have snack if I was hungry (I am), but for some reason I'm not letting myself have anything.

I just... I don't understand why I'm being so stupid. I KNOW I need to eat, and I know it's incredibly ridiculous, not to mention dangerous, not to eat all my exchanges, especially when my hunger cues are still not fully operational yet. (I do generally know when I am hungry [though not always], but it's a very rapidly onsetting hunger, and if I leave it alone for more than half an hour or so I get really weak and fuzzy-brained and stuff.) Physically, I feel rather crappy at the moment, since I DO feel fairly weak and fuzzy-brained. And yet... I can't challenge it right now, or maybe am choosing not to, because the emotional fallout and anxiety from forcing myself to eat more would be more than I can handle right now. I self-injured the other night, and it was because I hated myself so much, and felt so awful, that I felt like I deserved it, and needed to do it. I don't like that horribly intense, destructive headspace, and I can't deal with it alone... and right now I guess I don't feel like the staff at M House could do enough for me to keep it at bay right now. I feel like even with their support (talking to them, etc) I would not be able to get rid of this thing, or properly fight it whatsoever. I just... can't do it.

I fucking hate my stupid motherfucking brain.

2011-03-17T18:07:00.001-02:30

Eating my usual meals and snacks, and not binging and purging, has gotten slightly easier. On the other hand, I am feeling a lot of things that I really don't want to feel, and it sucks pretty hard. Of course, I knew this would happen, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with, unfortunately :/. BUT I seem to be coming up with a decent amount of insights already, and I haven't even been here for two weeks. Knowing the reasons for things is helpful, because it allows me to challenge old assumptions and beliefs that I otherwise would never have been able to challenge (because I would have just assumed they were all inescapably true, and would think it was too difficult, or even absurd, to question them).

For example, if I had assumed I was deserving of pain because nobody really loves me (in a general sense), I can look at the times in my life when I didn't perceive that I was loved, and figure out from that where it all sort of started, and the circumstances behind it. Knowing that my mother was a huge source of I-never-feel-loved, and realizing that she likely has issues of her own that prevent her from being able to express her love in a way that I can intuitively understand and believe, helps me to be able to reframe things, and say to myself, "Actually, she did love you. She just didn't know how to show it." And so even though my experiences still hurt, and still make me feel angry with her (and slightly bitter), I have the basis to be able to think that maybe I was loved, or maybe in the future I could be loved.

There are about a thousand and one faulty assumptions and beliefs I have that need to be challenged this way, and I know it's going to take awhile to sink in... not to mention that on an emotional level I still need to process the hurts, and all the other feelings that come with all the crap in my head. My brain, as I have discovered, can move a hell of a lot more quickly than my feelings. So all this cognitive work is going to have to be applied and applied and applied, a thousand times over, before my emotions are even going to recognize it, let alone accept it.

I am realizing that if I wait to be ready, or to feel better, or to have things make sense before I try to do the cognitive changes, I am NEVER going to do the cognitive stuff, and I'm also never going to get better. So even though it feels backasswards to do things starting at my brain and trying to extend to my feelings, it's the only thing I can think of to do that might actually help. The feelings themselves simply do not change on their own. So using my brain (which I can control) to try and help myself move past all the emotions that are keeping me stuck is actually the ONLY thing I can do to help myself in a practical way. I mean, I could do years of analytical or very deep therapies, but without trying to retrain my brain, all these automatic thoughts and associated feelings are just going to continue, and everything is going to keep feeling like shit. Or I can try to put new patterns of thought into my brain to replace the old ones that make me feel like shit, and someday, when the new patterns actually get grasped and absorbed by my brain, maybe I will feel better (as well as think better). That's the idea, anyway. And it's worked for other people (as I've read in Life Without Ed, among other books I've come across lately), so why can't it work for me?

I don't know how much sense any of this makes. It's all kind of a jumble in my head, to be honest. I'm still trying to piece it all together. All this cognitive and emotional and no-behaviors stuff is all waves crashing into each other, and separating it all sometimes is like pulling taffy. But I hope that with enough time, effort, and patience, I will be able to organize and process it all, and thereby actually start a true, and PERMANENT, road of recovery.

2011-03-10T18:51:00.002-03:30

Day 3 at the house... it seems to get slightly harder every day. ED, of course, is constantly, or near constantly, chattering in my head about everything I "should" be doing that I'm not doing -- namely, binging, purging, and restricting. Of course, I am not currently listening to that voice; but it gets extremely tiresome and frustrating to hear it constantly yapping and yammering in my brain. I get about 3290583958 urges a day to do something ED. At this point I know that voice is probably not going to quiet itself for long in the next few days, or probably even the next few weeks. It's something I'm just going to have to ride out, and just yell back at to SHUT THE FUCK UP every time it gets particularly annoying. No matter where I had gone for treatment, it would have done exactly the same thing... if in fact I had been able to GET to any other treatment anytime soon, which is doubtful at best. So it's a really, really good thing I was able to go to M House now. It really is.

One thing I have found an invaluable resource is "Life Without Ed". I had previously refused to read it (at least within my own head) because it really seemed like the cliche recovery book to me, and for that reason alone I wouldn't touch it. I have this thing where if something is EXTREMELY popular, and everyone constantly talks about it and gushes over it, there's a really good chance I just won't go near it because all the hype annoys me so much. Anyway, I* happened to have it here, so I thought I would actually try reading it, especially since I've never really read any kind of ED book (recovery or not) with the honest, full intention of using it in a good way. And I'm glad I let her give it to me to borrow, because it's honestly AMAZING. I feel like so, so many chapters basically describe my exact headspace, or way of thinking. She was both anorexic and bulimic, and I suppose in a way I have been both myself, so it's GREAT. I would honestly recommend it for anybody with an ED, though, not just someone who has a "combo" like I have/had. I realized that for awhile I have already conceptualized ED the way she does, except that I don't put a gender or any sort of human face on ED. Instead, ED is kind of a shapeless, faceless shadow in my head that lurks around and tells me lots of ludicrous bullshit about myself. In many ways I can, now, distinguish the ED voice from my own mind, so when the ED voice starts blabbing and won't shut up, I yell at it to go away, as I said before. It my only listen for a short time now, but there will come a time when it will be silent for longer and longer periods. I know this first-hand, as I've experienced it multiple times. But I'm DETERMINED not to relapse this time. NO MORE FUCKING BEHAVIORS.

Anyway, I'm out of computer time now, so I must go. I'll try to update when I can, although I must confess I may not be able to read any threads. Right now, reading anything involving active self-destruction is simply too upsetting and triggering for me, and I can't do it. Part of my recovery, by necessity, is going to involve phasing things like my regularity on self-harm and eating disorder places out of my life. I can't get better from an addictive-type behavior, or a set of such behaviors, if I'm constantly reading about it and focusing on it and remembering the million and one reasons I used to do it in the first place. You know?

I'll update again when I can.

2011-03-08T00:15:00.001-03:30

I am scared out of my mind about M House tomorrow. My anxiety is bad enough that it's making it hard to get anything done tonight in the way of packing, etc. I may try to do some later, or I may just wake up early tomorrow and do it. I'm probably more likely to be able to be calm tomorrow morning. On the other hand, I don't want to, say, wake up too late tomorrow and accidentally leave myself with too little time, or something like that. I don't have an alarm clock anymore since my cat knocked my phone into the fish tank a few days ago. (Oh, wait, I didn't mention that? Yeah... the replacement won't be here till at least tomorrow or Wednesday. Sucks. :|

All day today my brain has been alternating between and .

2011-03-04T13:14:00.000-03:30

Weight today was 103.8... up a pound from yesterday. I seem to be gaining weight like crazy. I mean, when you consider that on about the 20th I was at 96.4 lbs, 103.8 IS quite a high weight to be at. But I am aware that at least 1-2 lbs of this weight is rehydration, and I may also be retaining some water. Still, though, the gain is really hard to deal with mentally.

However, I am going to be doing something that is probably/likely/hopefully going to help with this. You see, I have decided to go back to M House for at least another month or two. I've already talked to my old social worker / counselor there (I*) and written up the goals I want to work on, and she's talked to the other social workers and some of the staff, and they all thought it sounded like a good idea. Plus they actually have beds free now, which they don't always. So I'm set to come in next Tuesday afternoon.

I know that this announcement probably sounds like it's completely coming out of left field, but it actually makes a lot of sense. The funny thing was, it was my dietician's idea. I had been telling her that it wasn't that I didn't want to give up binging and purging, but that I just couldn't, and I explained to her why. Basically, the reason is that I can't deal with all the emotional fallout, plus the other urges that I know would probably come after ED was gone (like cutting, suicidal ideation, etc). So then she said, "Well, why not stop binging and purging and go to M House?" I sort of brushed off the suggestion at first, but then I was like... "Wait now. What if I actually DID stop b/ping, and then I checked into M House to deal with the fallout?"

It was seriously like she had thrown a load of bricks on top of my head, the idea hit me so hard. For months and months I've been thinking that I was never going to find anywhere that could treat both my ED and the underlying stuff, and help me deal with urges of all kinds, including self-harming type ones. And the truth is that M House doesn't "do" eating disorders, at least not per se. But they know me quite well, since I spent four months there two years ago, and I also know them, so I know that they actually can help me deal with all the underlying stuff, and probably pretty well.

As for the ED... well, I have made a commitment to myself that once I am there, I am throwing ED out the fucking window, and whatever happens happens. The idea of going back is that I stop all the behaviors, more or less (I recognize that I will probably have slips, but I don't intend to let them become relapses), and then use the 24/7 support system of M House to deal with whatever random and/or horrid bullshit comes up once I do so. One of my goals, the first one of three, is very specific: a) "Eat 3 square meals + 1-2 snacks a day [and adjust plan if dietician says I should]" and b) "NO binging and/or purging. Work with staff to cope with urges instead of using ED behaviors." I had to write it exactly like that, because a) could so easily be manipulated if I had said "3 meals" (I could make them smaller) or "1 snack, 2nd snack optional" (no 2nd snack on days I feel 'fat') or even "1 night snack" (because then if I have a snack at afternoon & want another one at night I will fight with myself about having it, etc). And with b) I had to write and/or instead of just and, because then I could decide "Oh, well, I can still purge just this once" or "Oh, if I binge this one time but don't purge it's not so bad". NO. I need to stop ED in its fucking tracks, and not let it warp me and twist me around this way. So the little things may not seem so important, but they really really are.

That being said, though, I've also agreed to go back to the IOP program for at least a few things, like a couple of meal supports a week, the dietician (well, I guess that one's a given), probably family therapy, that sort of thing. I may also ask to redo body image group, although it's psychoeducational and I don't generally like those sorts of groups... but body image is most definitely something I need to work on again, and so I probably should anyway, even if I've heard all the material before. I want to do the family therapy basically because my parents don't really know the full extent of the ED, and also because we just don't talk about any part of it, ever, even when the signs are ridiculously obvious (like the last couple of times I lost weight, etc). This whole shame and secrecy thing I've kept going is something I really need to work on, and I'm hoping this is going to be a start. Not to mention that I'd like to dispel some ideas my parents seem to have about my mental illness(es) in general, such as that they thought it would all just "go away", and I'd never end up in hospital again, and blah blah blah.

I do know that once I'm in M House, I am going to do anything and everything in my power to avoid not feeling, whether consciously or unconsciously. I suspect there's going to be a lot of anxious blanking out and dissociation happening, which I'm probably going to need to talk to I* about, since she may need to remind me of what we'd been talking about, or ease off if it gets too bad, etc. But I'm not going to let anything, be it behaviors or urges or just plain shit I can't control like dissociating, stop me from dealing with my crap. As I said to I* when I met with her on Wednesday, I am just sick of all this disordered shit, and I know that in order to get past it I have to go through it. I've been avoiding and numbing and binging and purging my feelings for so, so long, and it hasn't helped anything -- if anything it's gotten worse. If I am to actually live again, and not just exist as a chronically disordered person, I have to deal with all the things I've been avoiding thinking about and dealing with. I have to feel -- really, truly feel. And it is terrifying. But I HAVE to do this.

So that's basically the essence of it. I want to beat ALL these fucking disorders, and get my goddamned life back. I'm sick of wasting my time on disorders. I AM GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS SHITHOLE, SO FUCK YOU, ED. I won't be your slave anymore.

2011-02-24T15:57:00.000-03:30

I finally had a BM after about two days of feeling bloated and gross because I didn't have one... it was super hard and rather painful, though. I'm just glad to know things are finally starting to move naturally through me. I hate Ex-Lax.

Today my weight was 99.2 lbs; up .2 from yesterday. I have managed about 1650-1700 calories the last two days, and seem well on my way to managing at least that much today. I am trying very very hard for balance in my meals -- carbs (I do whole wheat whenever possible), proteins, veggies and/or dairy, fats. I'm still not eating fruit, but maybe eventually I'll be able to work it in... right now I'm still afraid of it. It really doesn't make much sense, because I'll eat jam or yogurt with sugar in it, but not fruit? I guess fruit is my last hold-out, or something. Maybe in coming days or weeks I can work it back in, somehow, sometime. I don't really care that much, to be honest. Almost all of the micro- and macronutrients in fruit are easily obtained from all the other food groups, anyway. Or so I'm convincing myself.

I still b/p at least once a night, but I knew that was going to happen. I can't control myself from doing it these days. Last night as part of my binge I polished off the rest of a box of cream crackers with real blueberry jam... I mean, really, who binges on blueberry jam and crackers?? But it was ridiculously delicious, and I couldn't hold back. After that I ate a bunch of chocolate, purged, then binged again on Life toasted cinnamon cereal with milk and blueberry muffins with margarine. Purged again; got everything out the 2nd time, and felt a lot better stomach-wise. I was able to go to sleep after that, though, thankfully.

These are interesting times that we live in.

2011-02-22T17:57:00.000-03:30

So I've had a very sudden (or seemingly sudden) change of mind: I'm trying to start eating again. By which I mean regularly, and "enough". Yesterday was the first day of it; I know I managed to keep in a lot more cals than usual, though I don't actually know my exact cal count. Maybe close to 1500 or so? That estimate could be off by hundreds, as I ate a lot just before I went to bed, and don't really know the cals of all of it, etc.

Today so far I've had breakfast, which was 469 cals, and just now I had "lunch", which was 326 cals. My "lunch" was a sandwich on whole wheat with a bunch of toppings (including cheese), which I had honestly thought was a lot more cals than it was -- my total is just under 800, when I figured it was more like 900-1000. I guess this is why it's a decent idea to keep track of my food intake on a website or on Notepad (right now I'm using MyPlate): I can't trick myself into thinking I've eaten more than I have, or less. Not to mention I can keep track of stuff like sodium, protein, and fiber, which is useful. I've had quite a lot of protein today, actually... 39g so far. Some of it was from the bread I've had, though. I've eaten 4 slices of it so far today. Oh well -- it helps me get in my calories, and I certainly wasn't getting nearly enough grains before, AND the bread is whole wheat. So I'm not going to beat myself up about that.

Weight today was 98.6; yesterday it was 98. Since the day before that it was 96.4, I know that the weight "gain" is not real weight, but more likely food and water weight from actually eating again. That being said, though, I know this weight won't "go away" as long as I'm eating normally, since is the normal pound or two humans always have in them from actually eating and being hydrated. I'm surprised by how little I'm freaking out about it.

Then again, there is a pretty strong something in my head right now telling me that this is the right thing -- that eating is a good thing to do right now. Whatever that self-destructive/suicidal thing was in my head that made me restrict before seems to have vanished into thin air. I honestly, truly attribute this to my meds. I've noticed that while I'm in the process of falling back into major depression, I also get a serious increase of suicidal ideation, to the point that I really want to do it, my whole life seems hopeless, etc etc. And I have always said that in order to restrict severely I had to have a death wish. So now that the death wish is gone, apparently I may be capable of normalizing my intake again. It does make sense.

I know that bulimia won't go away nearly as easily as this, however, because for me bulimia is as natural as breathing, and has been from the first time I purged. The binging stems from emotional things, and the purging is something I feel to be a necessary response to such binging, so I don't see it stopping anytime soon. It would take a lot more than a simple balanced meal plan to fix that part of it. But whatever... I've had bulimia for years, and I'm used to it. It's the restriction that always desperately interferes with my life when it gets really strong, and the restriction I need to fix before I can do anything else with my life. So I guess it's better that I'm trying to do that now.

Wish me luck, I guess... and pray that this isn't just another "phase" of my eating disorder.

2011-02-17T08:17:00.000-03:30

My weight just keeps climbing... due to water retention, I think. Even if I'm keeping more in from b/ps, I KNOW I'm not eating enough to gain real weight. I took lax yesterday, to be "cleaned out" for the doctor today, and instead of losing anything, I GAINED .4 lbs. So today I'm at 97.2, which just means I'm even more hideous and disgusting and fat.

Okay, fine, so my weight doesn't sound objectively fat. But I've put on 2 lbs in about 5 days (and at least some of it is water), and my bulimia is getting more out of control, and I just feel like shit in general. I don't really know why I'm not suicidal, but I'm not, so apparently there is nothing I can do about this. Not that I'd've been able to do anything anyway, probably, since I always fucking tell on myself.

And actually, if I'm being honest, I don't truly want to die. But living this way gets harder and harder by the week. Yet I can't stop... because I can't get FAT. I can't get fat a-fucking-GAIN. I'm so done with that bullshit. I'm done with all the world's bullshit, really. Yet that is all the world seems to be, so I am left going nowhere, and doing nothing in my life except starving and binging and purging.

If only I cared just a little bit more. Ha.

2011-02-14T15:26:00.000-03:30

Yesterday, after lots of BMs from lax, my weight was 95.4; today it's back up to 96.2. Still, though, I have lost weight overall, so I'm not extremely dissatisfied.

Last night was difficult, though... I went to my parents' house for supper. They had veggie lasagna (which is just about the only dish they ever make for me now that I'm a vegetarian) and salad, so it really shouldn't have been that bad, but... that lasagna was SO hard. I really just didn't want to eat any of it, but I knew I had to eat some of it, so I took a small square and ate maybe 2/3rds of the portion. I took lots of garden salad and put ranch on it, though, and I ate all my salad, so it probably looked like I ate slightly more than I "really" did. I managed to eat enough to please them (or at least not make a fuss), but it was surprisingly torturous just putting food to mouth. In the past, I've always been able to decide to eat during a family meal, while on an outing, etc, and it hasn't traditionally been difficult... it's strange to find it's not so easy to just push aside ED anymore. I even took Ativan last night to make sure I didn't freak out about the lasagna I ate. That's fairly pathetic, but oh well.

I meant to write about other things, but I don't really feel like it anymore. Maybe later on.

Everything's cool as long as I'm getting thinner

2011-02-09T10:55:00.000-03:30

96.6. BMI: 16.7.

I see the dietician today. I really have no idea what's going to go down. I still can't do a meal plan like she wants me to, so nothing's going to happen that way, unless I have some sort of miraculous breakthrough (which I doubt).

The sad thing is that I really don't have anything else to talk about but the ED. Ever since I stopped working, all I really do is sit at home, restrict, b/p, get online, watch TV, and read when I can. And, well, go to appointments when I have them, which is about once or twice a week on average, lately. That's it. My life is chock full of really fucking boring. Hence why I basically never write lately, except to update about weight and shit.

2011-02-04T21:24:00.000-03:30

97.4. BMI: 16.8.

Just another day.

2011-02-03T15:57:00.000-03:30

I know I need help, but I don't WANT help, and my lack of motivation is going to make it impossible for anyone to treat me anyway. Therefore, I'm screwed.

98.2. BMI: 17.

2011-01-29T20:34:00.000-03:30

Lost a pound since yesterday. 98.6. BMI: 17.1.

I feel fairly like shit, but am definitely not unwell enough to need the ER / a hospital, so right now I am doing "all right", at least according to my standards. A good friend suggested I should see my GP, but I dunno if I actually will or not. I mean, there's like an 80% chance that my bloodwork will be perfectly fine, and I don't think I could stand to go to my GP, say "Maybe I should get bloodwork", only to have it come back and all be PERFECTLY FUCKING FINE. And the only other thing she could say would be "eat". Which I am clearly NOT going to do. So I hardly see the point, unless it's to probably make me feel bad about myself.

No... chances are I'll either wait till I go into some sort of medical crisis or half-crisis, or only go if someone like the dietician says I should have a checkup and/or bloodwork every x weeks. I do not want to go get this shit of my own volition, because I'm tired of saying I feel like x y or z only to have it completely physically unsubstantiated by medical tests.

In the meantime, I roll along the lazy river of "life". Which happens to be in a separate stream from what most people call "life"; but I really don't care how separate I am right now. In fact, most of the time I'd rather be away from other people than among them and their judgments and their pronouncements and their stares. In my river, at least no one looks at me quizzically or asks me questions I can't answer in a way that would make anybody happy.

2011-01-28T17:17:00.000-03:30

Reached a new low weight, and also a goal, today: 99.6 lbs. Double digits. I was ecstatic when I saw the number... that lasted for, oh, maybe a couple hours? Now that more time has passed and my exhaustion has hit me again, I just feel like shit. The number was "good", I guess, but it also needs to continue to go down, because if it doesn't I will freak the fuck OUT, and it will not be pretty.

There's really nothing else to write.

2011-01-22T19:21:00.000-03:30

After like a week and a half of maintaining my weight even though I was REALLY not eating enough to maintain, I have FINALLY lost!! Today I was 102 lbs. BMI: 17.6.

However, my only safe food these days, aside from the occasional small lollipop or Push Pop, is veggies and dressing :/. I actually had to strike cherry tomatoes from my list of safe foods a couple days ago, too, because I ate the entire container of tomatoes all at once, which led to me feeling too full, which led to a b/p. I mean, wtf?? It's pretty bad when you have to take a VEGGIE off your list of safe foods.

Of course, I've been craving all sorts of other foods like a motherfucker, which naturally leads to me b/ping... a lot. I've been doing it 3 or 4 times a day the last couple of days. However, I seem to have developed an ability to purge "better": that is, quickly and a lot more easily. For awhile purging had basically been torture, as it took at LEAST 20-30 minutes just to get the food out, and every heave was really like... weak and unsupported? But yesterday I suddenly seemed to get the hang of it again, and it goes by so much more efficiently now. I suspect it will wane again if this amount of b/ping continues, though. Ugh. Oh well. I'll deal with that if it comes to it.

So... I'm probably basically the worst I've ever been, ED-wise, especially when it comes to motivation for recovery. I have basically zero motivation to want to get better right now. I went to see the outpatient dietician, who took my history and whatnot, then told me I had a decision to make. She won't keep seeing me pointlessly while I get worse and don't work on anything... she will only see me if I'm actually going to try and get on a scheduled meal plan, etc. At this point I have absolutely no desire to try any sort of meal plan. It's not that I really like this life I'm living right now... it's that no other life seems any better than this, and at least in ED mode I can keep most of my demons at bay most of the time. It's better than constantly living in mental hell.

2011-01-16T15:32:00.000-03:30

103.2.

Restricting, binging, purging.

There's really nothing else I can say.

2011-01-15T13:45:00.000-03:30

Still the same fucking weight. I am absolutely fucking disgusting.

No more b/ping. It's keeping the weight on me. I NEED TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT NOW.

2011-01-12T16:18:00.001-03:30

Today is the first day I've gotten a real weight since late December, and I couldn't be more happy with the number. 103.6 lbs. BMI: 17.9. Officially in the underweight category... not that that matters. I still have so far to go. In my head it's always 10 more lbs, 10 more lbs, 10 more lbs. I am definitely FARRRRR too fat to stop now. And there is no point trying to argue with me, because, frankly, I will not listen. I am GOING to get there, come hell or high water, and I WILL get there. Make no mistake about that.

Had two b/ps last night... was good to be able to "release" that energy finally. However, I am going to try and severely cut back on those sorts of behaviors. If the hospital taught me anything, it's that I am capable of having far more self-control than I ever thought. Which is good for the suicidality thing... but also good for the ED. Or, well, I guess "good" ED-wise is a judgment I make in my own mind. You'll have to decide whether you think all this is "good" or not. But I really, really do.

I didn't give much of an update yesterday -- I basically just copied and pasted my FB status, as I couldn't face making a real entry. But the point remains that other than this bit of self-control, hospital really didn't do a whole lot for me except give me a little bit of space to think (although I tried to avoid thinking most of the time), and all those referrals. It's so ridiculous... I'd thought I was finally going to get out of treatment for awhile, and now I've been loaded down with so many referrals for so many different kinds of treatment that it's almost obscene. Just looking at my hospital laundry list from the discharge sheet makes me go... oh my god, I need all this? I really, really had not realized how serious it actually was, until I saw that list. I mean, the IOP program, a psychiatrist, a social worker, an outpatient dietician (until I go to IOP) AND a new psychologist besides? The IOP program alone could easily fill 3 days of my week, and is so comprehensive, and then I have all this other shit on top of that. It just really boggles my mind to see that they think I need this much support. I'm still not fully sure what to think of it all.

Time to make some coffee, I suppose. God, it'll be nice to have some good-quality perk coffee. And flavors, no less. Timmies and packets of shitty instant coffee off hospital trays just don't cut it, you know?

Love all y'all.

2011-01-11T11:38:00.000-03:30

Dr. C is still not in, so today I get no consult either. On the other hand, at least I have the ability to go off ward with people sometimes. Gotta cancel my dentist appointment for today, though, as I'm not allowed to go alone. Sucks. Oh well.

Later that day:

Got out of hospital today... they basically didn't really help me much in there, aside from a bunch of referrals to OP/IOP stuff. Have an appointment with my psychiatrist and a dietician within the next two weeks, am supposed to make an appointment with my social worker (for counseling) and GP (for ED program), and am getting a referral for a new therapist at T Clinic. Phew!!

The next several weeks should be, er, interesting...

2011-01-10T10:06:00.000-03:30

Was really agitated last night... am really irritable and depressed-like this morning. Am listening to angsty music on YouTube now... Evanescence, to be exact. Actually, one of the songs was the one in my signature. I do love that song. The other people in the room didn't really appreciate my angsty rock, but who the fuck cares anyway?? Hahaha.

Supposed to meet with Dr. C today. Dr. Mo has told me twice now, on two separate days, that I will definitely see Dr. C by the end of today, so I'm really hoping it will actually happen. I told them I wasn't safe off the ward yesterday, but I'm going to see about being allowed to go on 20-minute passes if someone is going with me, like if people go out for a smoke or whatever. I don't trust myself alone still, but if I'm with other people I'll have to behave, or they'll call security or whatever on me, which would not be fun. But it might be nice to be able to, you know, go to Tims and buy whatever I want, or buy Diet Pepsi for myself, or blah blah blah. A magazine or a Sudoku book or something, even. Whatever.

Ugh... oh, god, I really am irritable, though. I want to get the fuck out of here so badly. The problem is, I don't think I trust myself for extended periods on the outside... I really don't. So maybe accompanied 20-minute passes would be good for me, so I don't get as fucking stir-crazy. I don't know. All I know is that at this point I basically hate everything and (almost) everyone.

Fmfl, seriously.

2011-01-07T12:50:00.002-03:30

I almost left last night... it's the second time I've almost left.

The first time, the night before last, I had an absolutely awful night. I spent most of it suicidal, plotting out how I could do it on the unit, etc. I still have the method, to be honest. However, I went in and tried to watch some of the hockey game (gold medal juniors game between Canada and Russia), and at some point some of the guys were telling a ton of jokes, and I was laughing hysterically. Once I stopped laughing, though, my face and hands started to tingle and stuff, and I knew that wasn't normal. Last time I experienced that, it was the beginning of a panic attack. Anyway, I had asked to talk to my nurse, about the suicidality and also about being short with her earlier, and by the time we had talked a bit my panic was seriously escalating, and I couldn't stand up even then (my knees were buzzing really badly). She tried to get me to stand up repeatedly -- "Come on, I know you can stand up" -- and I literally COULD NOT. Then I asked her to give me a hand up, but all she would say was "I can't lift your weight". That wasn't even what I asked her to do. :\

So she left me in the room, and my panic got significantly worse. I ended up unable to move my arms or legs at all; my hands froze solid, and distorted into a fucked-up looking claw shape, like someone with horrible arthritis. I called out for help while my mouth was still semi-functional, and the nurse who came in simply told me "This is a behaviour" and left the room. About a minute after she left I started getting completely stiff (full body) and suddenly my breathing got really rapid and short... in other words, I was hyperventilating. I'd say I was at least 85-90% on my way to passing out. I was not even able to stand or move to get assistance, and they left me ALONE in a fucking room while I almost collapsed because I could hardly breathe.

The whole thing made me extremely upset, not to mention appalled. It was very negligent, and it was irresponsible. They knew the extent of my panic reaction, and should at least have had me in their sights in case I did hyperventilate, but noooo. They just told me it was a behavior, got extremely frustrated with me, and then left the room. So I tried to sign myself out of the unit once I could actually stand and get to the nurses' station (my hands were still almost totally paralyzed, and contorted into that ridiculous claw shape), but my nurse conveyed that if I tried to leave I could possibly/probably be certified, so I left it alone and went to bed like they told me to do (and cried for at least half an hour before I went to sleep).

Yesterday afternoon I got the results of my consultation with Dr. Mek-- the asshole. Apparently he said that he didn't feel I needed to be on the eating disorder protocol, and the admission was solely because of the overdose/suicidality. Well, I was NOT impressed by that at ALL. I was told at psych assessment at the W that part of the reason I was going to H (as opposed to a W unit) was because they had the eating disorder protocol at H, and the psychiatric resident on call felt it needed to be addressed medically (and her supervisor agreed with her). Psychiatrically/psychologically, too, the ED and suicidality are basically entwined at this point. Eating makes me suicidal, but not eating also makes me suicidal, and binging and purging DEFINITELY makes me suicidal. I don't honestly understand how they can try to treat the suicidality without simultaneously addressing the ED.

Anyway, I was going to discharge myself again after that ridiculous meeting (there was a lot more that was ridiculous about it than just no ED protocol, too), because I had seriously had enough of this hospital and its utter bullshit, but two things stopped me. First of all, the most important thing in the beginning, was that I couldn't get hold of anyone who had my house keys, so if I was to leave I wouldn't even have been able to get into my apartment. Secondly, though, and most importantly in the end, was that Dr. Mo was actually there (we hadn't thought he was), and he came over to me and told me he was going to get a second consultation about the ED protocol from a Dr. C. According to the OT assistant in here, Dr. C is a psychiatrist who will actually listen to you and what you have to say, and he does have experience with EDs as well. If ANYbody is going to do what's best for me in that department, it's going to be him. And if I still don't have to go on the protocol... well, I'm getting the fuck out of here. They don't have grounds to certify me anymore (I'm not, at this moment in time, actively suicidal), and so I could leave as soon as I was seen by a doctor, more or less.

On the other hand, the only reason I'm not suicidal is because I'm giving into the ED big-time again... super major restriction. They're not even testing my blood sugars anymore, so they have no way to force me to eat any fucking thing. So I may have like... some salad in the run of a day, but I definitely want under 100 calories (been eating at least 300-400 a day to keep sugars up lately). Other than a little salad, all I want to have is coffee and Diet Pepsi. ALL. I don't care what happens to me anymore.

Soooo there you have it... my very long-winded account of the last couple of days. I guess I'll try to update later when I have more info on what they think they will do with me, and decide whether or not I will even stay.

2011-01-04T14:03:00.000-03:30

I got Dr. Mo, thank god. It's kind of funny to call him Dr. Mo, though, because he's so old and... mild. Not a Mo at all. I guess I just don't want to use full names in here. Except for that son of a bitch Mak--, or however you spell it. I will never apologize for my opinion of that man.

Had a meeting with Dr. Mo, my nurse, some medical student, and the social worker today. It was... frustrating. Some of the meeting was fairly routine, but then they started questioning me about whether I've done the IOP program, and blah blah blah, and when I told them I did it and it didn't work, and I didn't want to go back because I didn't see how it would help any more now than last time, they started jumping down my throat a bit, the social worker in particular. She was saying I have to have a positive attitude about it, and all this shit, and it was kind of like... I told you I think I need to go somewhere and do a program, and I've told you IOP didn't help me stop binging or purging, yet you sit here telling me to look at the positives??? What the fuck is that shit? I felt like they weren't understanding what I was saying because they thought I was merely under a veil of negativity/pessimism, and that really pissed me off. Because my assessment of the situation is honestly accurate... I'm sure if you've been reading this for a long time, you'd agree that I need residential or something, not OP or IOP. If I'm pessimistic or negative, it's because I've seen what options I can see and they don't look good. I'm sorry if that bothers the damned team.

I haven't met with the dietician (L) yet at all... my nurse said she doesn't even know L's schedule. Now that it's inevitable that I see her sometime, I just want to get it over with, and I'm anxious to do so. It's really hard to just sit around and wait for a bomb to drop on my head. On the other hand, my blood sugar was actually up to 4.8 before lunch, which is pretty high for me lately, so I didn't bother to eat any lunch... just a can of Diet Pepsi. And I had a grande coffee from Starbucks (I think it was grande) with some milk and 3 sweeteners all this morning. Maybe the milk is part of why my sugar was so good. In any case, I was happy, because all yesterday I was having to eat a whole lot more than I wanted because my sugars kept going into the 3s... once it was even 3.0. So I'm going to avoid eating till my sugar goes so low that I can't avoid it anymore. Fuck food, seriously. I guess I am sort of at war with it right now. Any meal I can get away with eating little to nothing is like a victory for me. Of course, that will all be over once I see the dietician. :/

Anyway, must be off. Write tomorrow, or maybe again tonight if I actually get my charger. The extra set of keys is supposed to be over at M House by now, so anytime after 4 I might get a visit from J with my stuff. Plus she'll take care of my kitty. So it's all good, I suppose, or it will be... or at least as good as it gets when you're locked up. Y'know.

2011-01-04T10:15:00.001-03:30

My phone is officially dead... isn't transmitting at all anymore, and the last time I turned it on it did an automatic shutdown instead of letting me stay on it to use any of the applications or dial numbers. My friend J is supposed to be bringing me in a bunch of my stuff today, but she has to get the key to my place first. See, I asked her to go to my house and make sure the cat had enough food and lock the door, because I remembered after the fact that when the paramedics left my house, they didn't lock my door. However, J didn't find my keys at all (she only looked on surfaces, but they were probably in my purse), but she did lock the knob before she left, so my keys are now locked in my apartment :( . So I called the landlord the other night, to get the keys from M House (which is where they're all supposed to be kept), and there were lots of keys... for everybody EXCEPT me. So now I have to get Judy T on the phone, get her to find spares, and then, I guess, get someone to bring them over to M House. THEN J has to go over with her ID, get my keys, go to my house, take care of the cat, get my stuff, and then bring my things over to me at the hospital. Soooo even when I get the keys arranged it's gonna be awhile. But hopefully it will happen sometime today.

One of the girls here, Jc (to differentiate from J), was nice enough to get her friend to bring me in some of her old clothes that she doesn't want anymore, so on my third day here I was FINALLY able to change my clothes and have a shower. I literally had nothing on my person when I went to the ER except my sneakers, winter jacket, and my phone, and all I was wearing was a nightgown, PJ pants, socks, and undies (I didn't even have a bra). Soooo I am kind of going au naturel underneath my outer wear today. I don't really have a choice -- I was having diarrhea issues at the ER, and I kind of, er, leaked onto the undies :| . I could have worn johnny gowns and washed my own clothes, but, wouldn't you know it, they have no working washer or dryer on the unit at the moment. They're supposed to be back "early in the new year", but that might not be for another two weeks or more, for all I know. So I had to wear lovely stained underwear and sweaty PJs for three days. I didn't actually smell that bad, though, surprisingly.

This is the first day any of the regular staff has been back from the New Year's stat holiday, so today is the day I'll see the dietician, and also, I guess, the psychiatrist who's assigned to me. I better not get Mak-- (I don't know if that's how you spell it, but whatever). He is a FUCKING ASSHOLE, and I hate him. I actually saw him at one of the back doors to the ward this morning, and I had to turn and walk away, because seeing him just made my blood fucking BOIL. Not to mention the distinct pang of fear that accompanied my anger. So I guess I both hate that man and fear him. I do have really good reasons for not wanting to be under his care, which I would be happy to explain to anybody, including him, if they wanted to hear why. I have already put in the request not to have him as my psychiatrist, but apparently they work on some kind of planned schedule, where they each get patients in turn, or something. So I might end up with him anyway... but I can request to be transferred. And believe me, I will. There is no psychiatrist on Earth that I hate more than this man. I cannot work with him, and I won't.

This has been really long, and also really rambly, I'm sure. I can't seem to stop my head from rambling lately. I don't know if it's anxiety, or some fucked-up mood thing, or what. All I know is that it's there. And also that it's going to increase about a thousand fold when I have to start eating the fucking meal plan the dietician puts me on, whatever that's going to be. Frankly, anything she could assign me at this point would be too much. :/

Wish me luck... I think I'm going to need it.

2011-01-03T17:10:00.000-03:30

Had to eat far too much yesterday, as my blood sugars kept going below 4. Had to eat/drink and keep in like 300-350 calories. Fuck that shit. :/

2011-01-02T14:48:00.000-03:30

Was 108 on the medical scale today, which means I probably lost, like, another pound or something. BMI: 18.5.

I wonder if they're gonna try to make me gain weight while I'm in here. :| :|

2011-01-02T01:58:00.000-03:30

So I've been admitted to the general hospital psych ward (which I will call H for short), and am due to start the ED protocol on Tuesday, I believe.

The psychiatric resident at the W (psych hospital) actually asked all the right questions, and actually listened to what I had to say. On top of that, though, she said there were some things from my bloodwork in the ER that were concerning, and almost dangerous. Apparently my potassium was 2.5 upon admission, and my blood sugars were high, which according to the pdoc is a sign of starvation/ketosis. She said that my muscles are being broken down to fuel my body. Then there was the fact that my heart rate was at least 110 when I got there... the sedatives may have had something to do with that one, but the potassium and sugars were definitely not caused by the OD, and I was probably dehydrated, too, because I got at least 2 large bags of fluid along with IV potassium. In any case, she did not like what she saw at all. She said she thought the ED needed medical management at this point, & with the potassium so low (and I had no fucking idea) & sugars all out of whack and stuff, I suppose I can see where she's coming from.

The nurses here at H said my safety was the first priority, and after that was established we'd be able to work on other things (by which I guess they meant the ED, etc). I didn't have much in the way of suicidal urges today, but I think it was only because I was still kind of groggy/sleepy from the meds I'd taken. I expect tomorrow to suck a lot. And when Tuesday comes and I have to sign an ED protocol contract... well, good fucking luck to me is all I have to say.

Personally, I think it's an achievement to even be alive right now. The rest will come later, if it's going to come. But for now I feel at least half decently safe in here, so I guess that's good. (Ignoring the little niggling voice that says I shouldn't have been such a chickenshit and called 911 on myself, and I could do it better next time, and blah blah fucking blah...)

:\

2011-01-01T17:30:00.000-03:30

So I managed to get myself put in hospital AGAIN last night, only I went to the ER instead of psych assessment. On the other hand, now that I'm physically stable, I'm still going back to the W for another damned assessment.

WHY won't my head be steady for just one night???

2010-12-31T12:50:00.000-03:30

108 lbs.

Fuck yeah.

2010-12-31T00:25:00.001-03:30

I am still not sure if it actually was that doctor... she thought she met me on a medical floor at some point. Who the fuck knows, I guess.

Anyway, I'm home. Picked up my script for my new 150mg dose of Effexor, and also bought my own blood sugar testing kit. The kit was free, but the testing strips were FIFTY DOLLARS. I was talking to my friend M later on and she said that she and her dad had the Walmart brand, which is just as good as the OneTouch I got, and the strips only cost them $20. Fml, seriously. I should have asked what the cheapest kind was. -.-

Anyway, my blood sugar soon after I got home (and purged the stupid A&W I just had to eat) was 6.6[119], which is quiiiiite a bit higher than it has been, though still normal. So I didn't test it again till just now, and it's gone down to 5.4[97]. That's still well within normal sugar levels, though, so I am in no way worried. I'm certainly not going to eat any calories before I go to bed tonight. It will just be me, my Diet Pepsi, my trazodone, and possibly an OTC sleep med or two, to make absolutely sure I conk out.

I guess the biggest question now is: Can I control myself over the next few days? Can I not land myself back in hospital? Already tonight I've had urges to take more pills than is healthy, but then I happened to look down at my kitten, who was looking up at me with these big eyes, and I just broke. I even got teary, for the love of god. I got sad. I don't want to leave him without his mommy. Then again, the other part of me says, "Oh, don't worry, your parents will foster him out with Heavenly Creatures, he'll get a new home, he won't be put down." It's like this constant fucking verbal battle between the part that wants to die and the part that wants to live. And I still don't know which one is going to win.

IOP program referral: Check. The only reason I even let them do it is because I want to be able to ask somebody there if there is ANYwhere I can go inpatient/residential that would take a case like mine. Homewood, the only one I really know, doesn't take people who are suicidal, and they also don't deal with self-injury and stuff. They basically ONLY deal with eating disorders, or will medicate you if you have, say, depression or anxiety. That's IT. AND they have no individual therapy, and I can't talk about my deepest crap in groups... and then there's the fact that they diagnosed me with AN when I was on the weight maintenance contract (and therefore obviously didn't meet the criteria for AN). I just really don't think it's going to work for me, at all, for a lot of reasons. So there had better be something else, otherwise I'm just going to cave in and self-destruct until I die. I already more or less am.

2010-12-30T14:35:00.000-03:30

My blood sugar this morning was, I believe, 3.9 (might have been 3.8). 3.9 is 70 on the American blood sugar scale, for the record. They started taking my sugars yesterday after I met with the team (an interim psychiatrist, a nurse practitioner, & one of the nurses from the ward), and of course the first time they took them the number was 3.3 (59). So I told them I would have a coffee with a bit of extra milk in it, and they seemed fine with that. Later it went up to 3.8 (68) and then 3.9 (70). BUT when I had it taken later that evening, it had dropped back to 3.4 (61), but I really really did NOT want to eat or drink anymore, having had so much extra that day already. However, the nurse threatened me with the glucose drip if I didn't drink or eat something, and I've heard from a certain someone that glucose drips make you gain weight, so I drank the fucking 3/4 cup of apple juice that he poured up for me, much as I hated doing it.

So far this morning I've had a REAL coffee (Mom and Dad brought me a large Timmies coffee last night) with like 2tbsp milk & 3 Splenda. It might not be enough to ward off being forced to eat for blood sugar again later, but it's okay for right now, I guess.

Anyway, when I saw the team yesterday, all they decided to do was... wait for Dr. H (the regular psychiatrist) to come back. She will be here sometime today. I think they were basically as puzzled as I was about what to do with me. The only things they actually did for me were raise my Effexor to 150, order me some polysporin for my arms, and start the blood sugar checks. The first two I'm fine with. The third.... well, it pisses me off more than anything. I mean, I've been FAR more hypoglycemic than this from the bulimia, and I always knew the signs & always took care of it. But here they're making me drink shit to compensate for "low sugar" when I don't actually feel very low at all. So it does make me a bit mad. I guess I can understand why they don't trust me, but I'm still like ARRRRGH.

I guess we'll see if anything actually comes out of this meeting with Dr. H. Speaking of her, though, she says she knows me, and if it's the same woman I saw briefly at the desk yesterday, I DO know her. However, the story of how I met her is a bit... embarrassing. You see, I'm pretty sure that I involuntarily puked up multivitamins in front of her and her supervisor (I guess she was a resident then) after one of my visits to the ER for ODing in 2006 :$. What a reason for someone to remember you, right? Oh well. I'm totally going to mention it to her if I see her anyway, out of curiosity anyway. Because if that's her, that's the ONLY way she could remember me. So clearly she never forgot it either. Like I said... embarrassing. :|

I wonder what interesting times today will bring...

2010-12-29T12:30:00.000-03:30

My friend said to me on my forum: On my ward you get one cup regular in the morning, the rest of them are decaf.

I wish I was at your ward, L... I would love even one regular cup in a day! But I've been drinking an assload of Diet Pepsi every day - at least 1-1.5 litres - so I guess I've been getting at least SOME caffeine. Lol.

So I've decided to try and eat something very small at every meal... which is better than no food at all, like I did yesterday. Just now I had 1/3 of my scrambled egg, and I just got my (decaf) coffee with its 1 tbsp of milk. I don't know the precise calories yet, but I know it's not high, & mostly protein anyway (and some fat). Eggs are one of my "safe" things these days, so it should be okay.

The nurse said she's going to have a chat with me later on, when I'm "more awake". I wonder what the hell that means. I suspect she's going to rag on me a lot for not eating. What the fuck ever. She can say whatever she likes.

I think I'm supposed to be getting the standard bloodwork done today; I already did and handed in a urine sample. Also, the regular ward psychiatrist is in today, I believe, so she will see me and I guess make some sort of diagnosis and possibly/probably change my meds.

Today should be an interesting day...

2010-12-28T21:15:00.001-03:30

Apparently my vitals are now being checked three times a day. Why I have no idea, as my vitals have never again been as low as 90s over 60s. Earlier it was 102/72, but that's not SO bad. Other than that it's been 110s or even 120s (once) over 70s or 80s. Everything else is always fine. I don't have a sweet clue why I would need to have it taken an extra time every day. What the fuck ever.

Warning: Self-harm talk ahead.

So last night was really shitty. I got ridiculously anxious, which led to me pacing, then trying to stop & subsequently dissociating, then scrobbing at my arms with my fingernails. I tore the skin clean off in strips... long strips on both forearms, and small ones, 3 apiece, on the back of each hand. The nurse last night put that clear sticky tape on them last night, which I innocently took, not knowing how fucking hard it would be to rip off later. One of the nurses took the tape off one arm earlier today, and it fucking KILLED. I cried at first from the pain, but within a couple minutes the tears turned into real tears, about everything. I had to retreat to my room once he was done with the tape and cry for at least 10 minutes.

I went back to sleep after I got gauze on that arm (it burned too much to put my shirt over once the tape was off), and once I woke up again I felt a little better. I did think it was pretty hilarious how they let me sleep through lunch without even calling me, though. I mean, it's not like I was going to eat it anyway, but they usually at least tell me it's up and ask if I'm going to eat anything.

I haven't been able to make myself eat anything today. I found out last night that the coffee is actually DECAF... what the fuck?? So I've been having it with only 1 tbsp 1% milk, and my usual 2 Splendas. So, all totalled today, I've had... 19 calories. :/ I know that's not really "good", but I can't face the thought of eating anything today. I was planning on half a yogurt (50 cals) but the thought scares me right now. It would take my overall cal count too close to 100 for my liking.

Ugh. I am so fucked up. I wish I could get out of my own head.

2010-12-27T23:24:00.000-03:30

My friend said this to me on the forum I post at: "My psych ward can hold me basically as long as they want if I refuse to eat, unless I agree to OP treatment. [...] What are you going to do?"

They can hold me as long as the fucking well like... I still don't want to eat, and I'm not fucking eating.

68 cals yesterday, 97 today. And that is enough for me. I do NOT want to eat anymore.

2010-12-27T16:29:00.001-03:30

My sister is going to come in soon and bring me clothes and toiletries and stuff, and also bring me my new books and DVDs, and some of my food. Specifically, she's bringing Diet Pepsi, my yogurt, and my rice milk. I'll have to get stickers for it all with my name on it, otherwise other people may steal it.

A doctor actually did come in to see me today... apparently she's actually a psychiatrist, too, not a GP. She said that she was going to get the nurses to more closely monitor what I'm eating, which I don't really care about. I'm REALLY thinking a transfer to H (general hosp psych) is likely in my future. This hospital, the W, doesn't have an ED protocol, and I don't see myself starting to eat anytime soon. Oh well.

2010-12-27T12:54:00.000-03:30

So apparently the labs don't even open until Wednesday, which means the psychiatrist won't be in either. Christmas is a shitty time to get incarcerated for more than one reason, apparently. Bah humbug.

One of the nurses is going to get me a couple bottles of Diet Pepsi and some change later today, though, as she said the cafeteria will be open today. All I have left is five and twenty dollar bills. Lucky for me that the bus strike is on, I guess, or else I probably wouldn't have as much money randomly on my person. And I'm pretty sure they don't have a bank machine here.

I'm sitting here watching Gene Simmons. The only damned thing to do here is watch TV. I don't even see any cards around here. There are some books, but I'm pretty sure they're not the kinds of books I like to read. Whatever.

Point is, it's BORING, and I'm bored. I guess that's the reason I'm online and posting shit so much. I have nothing else to do, plus I have something half interesting to say at the moment, so I actually have things to write about.

Ho hum.

2010-12-26T17:48:00.000-03:30

Today's vitals:

BP: 98/69
Pulse: 72
Temp: 36.4C

So... not too bad, but not as high as usual when it comes to BP. I'm not super worried though. Restricting is bound to drop it a little, and it's not exactly medically dangerous at the moment.

Watching movies in here today. Have watched a tiny bit of "Prancer" and the majority of "Casino Royale" so far. There are a couple of other DVDs as well as an unopened Star Trek movie... Generations (one of the TNG ones). I have seen it at least twice before, but I would totally be up for watching it again. I have no idea if the other guy in the lounge would go for that, though. Oh well.

2010-12-26T15:57:00.000-03:30

I'm on the short stay unit now. There are only three people here, and two of us came in last night. (The unit holds 7 people total.) Merry Christmas to us all, I guess. I'm pretty sure they left my purse at the assessment unit, but they're being really slow about calling back about it. I want some lip chap / lipgloss, and also money for Diet Pepsi if I can get it, and this phone needs to be fully charged. I am not eating today, of course. After that fiasco of yesterday??? Yeah fucking RIGHT. No food for me. Coffee, water, and diet soda. That's it.

I'm tired, and yet bored. There's not very much to do here so far. I think this phone is going to end up being my life line.

2010-12-26T04:36:00.000-03:30

My friend called 911 on me tonight, so here I sit, waiting to get assessed, and probably admitted to fucking short stay.

I fucking hate my fucking life.

2010-12-24T22:57:00.000-03:30

On my forum thread, a friend said: "what happened to treatment? what did your GP say?" (I had been vaguely considering actually doing something about the bulimia)

I told my GP I was still binging and purging, and that I couldn't stop, and that I didn't know what to do anymore. And she said... nothing. Except to just keep trying. Which just basically showed me that I'm clearly not in any sort of crisis, therefore I don't need treatment at this point. I felt that asking about treatment after what I said, and her reaction, would just be basically whining for "extra" that I didn't really "require", and so I didn't bother.

But it's okay, because I am so fucking done with life it's not even funny. I don't care if I can keep my job long-term, or if I ever go back to school full-time, or anything. I don't want to do anything except what I have newly planned to do. And so I am going to do it.

It's Christmas Eve, and I wish I could say that I've enjoyed it as much as other years, but that would simply not be true. My aunt's gathering was an exercise in "how little can I eat and still look normal?" with a little bit of "fuck, I didn't have to eat THAT" and "why did I eat so much of that??". I ate, literally, 60 calories before going to her house, not counting the milk in my two half coffees (max 20 cals), and by the time I was done like 4 hours of work I was really tired and cranky and just wanted to go home, and I've had a couple of significant downswings today, mostly related to my sister's completely inane yelling about extremely stupid shit. Seeing my family was good, and talking with a couple of my cousins that I haven't really talked with, and getting presents... but overall, this day really hasn't been so great. And I'm not expecting too much more from the next couple of days.

The only, and I do mean the ONLY, reason I'm surviving right now is because I'm also self-destructing. Literally nothing else is keeping me alive.

I've just... given up.

Merry Christmas.

2010-12-23T13:16:00.000-03:30

113.6.

I am so fucking sick of everything. Life sucks and then you die.

2010-12-17T02:48:00.000-03:30

So I haven't purged in like 2 days... but my weight today was 116.8, and I feel hideously fat and disgusting, even though at the same time I think I can see a little more definition and a little less fat throughout my middle, etc. I may be imagining that last part, though.

I just... I dunno anymore. I can't decide if I'm fat or not, if I'm bulimic or not, if I'm a restrictor or not. I don't know if I even have the right to call myself eating disordered, when I can eat so much fucking food and be okay with it, and even enjoy it, most of the time. It's like the part of me that thinks I'm disgusting and huge, and the part of me that eats, are two totally different parts, and I can't make one connect with the other. If there was some way I could think of to drop loads of weight without having to stop eating and keeping in meals, I would do it. I've thought of diet pills, laxatives, diuretics, the whole she-bang, and I can't think of a damned thing that I personally could get my hands on that would allow me to do what I want to do.

So... I try to at least control my food somewhat, and I exercise. I want to go to the gym 4-5 times a week, if I can manage it. I want to make sure I can't get fat, even if I have to build up some muscle mass (and therefore not lose weight on the scale) to do it. Of course, today when I was at the gym the flu hit me fairly hard, so I had to stop my workout basically right in the middle, which I was pissed about. So chances are I can't even go in the next few days anyway -- AND I ate like the stupid pig I am tonight. A huge bowl of ice cream with syrup and two packs of Smarties, among other things. I did want the food, and I liked it, but... the mental consequences of eating like that, for me, are not exactly pleasant.

I fucking fail at everything.

2010-12-09T17:31:00.000-03:30

I feel ED's pull... its band of control gets tighter and tighter, little by little. I'm not taking a big leap off a cliff this time -- its progress is gradual. But I know it's progressing. Thing is, I don't know how to stop it, or if I even can. I basically feel helpless. I have to do what it says, because I can't live if I don't.

My brain is telling me: Eat less. If you do eat, work out. Get rid of the food. Whatever way you have to do that is okay in my books. Sure, diuretics won't make you lose weight, but dehydration is a great way to punish yourself. Laxatives are cool too, if you can ever find a day when you don't have to work and you can take them. You need to lose weight, you fucking fatass, so you'd better fucking do something about it, or be a lardy disgrace forever. You have too many jiggly parts... get rid of them. Get rid of them NOW.

And it just keeps going on in that vein. Forever and a day, it seems. And I am getting stricter in my routines. Seems to be becoming: Have coffee for breakfast (cream is allowed, because it's yummy cream). Go to work. Nibble at work (that's allowed too); have a healthy break (only healthy is allowed). Usually this consists of burger on whole wheat, a container of full-fat yogurt, and a fruit serving. Nibble more if you like. Drink at least a liter of diet root beer on shift, because you're thirsty / want to. Pee a bazillion times. Get home from work, (or from my workout, which I've eaten a carb before), try to eat something healthy, crave horribly unhealthy foods, binge, purge. Then usually I end up eating something before bed, because I can't stand being as hungry as I get.

I just... I dunno. I don't know how to stop this. It's just... my life. My brain. And it just keeps going.

2010-12-05T00:12:00.000-03:30

Weighed in at 115.6 today, which makes me happy. I'm glad my true weight isn't actually 117. I was having a really hard time trying to deal with the fact that I was bigger than I was comfortable with. At this weight, at least, I feel slightly more secure, slightly less "fat". I just really really hate the idea of being much above 115. I don't know what it is, exactly, other than that 117 is too close for comfort to 120, which is a number I never ever ever ever want to see again. I would feel absolutely, disgustingly, hideously fat at 120. I don't know why, really. I just know I can never ever fucking get back there again, or risk just trying to off myself right there and then because I truly cannot deal with being that large.

Also, I guess I have a confession to make... I haven't been managing my three meals a day, or at least not in any proper way. What had been happening was that I would eat breakfast and lunch (lunch during work), eat my carb before and after a workout, go home. Then I would make and eat supper, but still be hungry, and be craving chocolate and shit, so I would end up eating too much, then having to purge. And, of course, some of supper would come back up as well . I have been eating something smaller late at night... usually carbs... but I know I'm probably not getting in the proper post-workout protein because of the purging. I'm truly at a loss about how to stop it, though. I can't eat more during the day -- I'm eating quite enough already -- and I can't seem to resist the night cravings. And I have a feeling this is not going to positively impact my muscle recovery and growth. *sigh*

I dunno. I've actually been vaguely, really considering Homewood again lately. It's the only place in the country that I know of that has a residential program for bulimia, which is what I know I would need if I wanted to kick this thing and get truly, 100% healthy. I never seriously considered doing a program solely for my bulimia before -- it was always restriction I wanted to get rid of -- but, as I said in a previous entry, the thought has been entering my head lately that maybe, MAYBE, I should try to kick bulimia too. I just know that I'd never be able to stick to it on my own, because the emotional consequences of not b/ping, or semi-restricting, would be far too great for me to be able to handle on my own. Which is why maaaaaybe Homewood would be a good idea.

For now, though, this is just an idea I am tossing around. I'm definitely not going to ask anybody for a referral. Even though I'm thinking more along the lines of recovery lately, I still don't see my situation as medically, or even psychologically, serious. It's probably stupid to wait till I get to a less stable, more breakdown-like place to apply for a program, but it seems that that is basically what I'm doing. Oh well. I simply do not have enough motivation to pick up and leave everything and fly halfway across the country for two months right now. I mean, that's a BIG change/upheaval. Who would take care of my cat? How could I pay my rent? And how the heck would I tell my coworkers that seemingly stable, happy Niika actually has a very annoying problem with binging and puking, and is going to fly away to live in a hospital for nine weeks?

So yeah... no. It's not going to happen now. But maybe, someday, it will... or maybe someday it will have to. Either way, maybe I'll be more receptive to that if or when the time comes.

2010-12-02T14:10:00.000-03:30

Breakfast: Two scrambled eggs, two slices of whole wheat toast with jam (one strawberry, one blueberry), and my coffee with insanely yummy creamer (dulce de leche :D). Also will have caffeine-free Diet Pepsi to take pills with.

I don't have time to go into a lot of detail right now, but the personal training session prodded me into making a fresh attempt at eating healthily, including more protein, and going to the gym regularly. I basically admitted my eating disorder to the personal trainer... who, as it turned out, had been bulimic herself at one point. Just having an understanding ear, and someone who actually believed the bulimia was a problem that I needed to overcome, seemed to make me actually feel guilty for the shit I do to myself, and made me actually feel like I should try and be healthier.

So I'm attempting to eat three meals a day, and trying to get in more protein, like I said, because she told me that the reason I probably had all the muscle aches before was that I wasn't getting enough protein. Her advice was to eat 1 starch/carb half an hour before a workout and half an hour after, and within 1-2 hours of finishing the workout I should have protein. Other than that, a normal, balanced diet would obviously apply. I'm even trying to eat some fruits and veg, which for me lately is just crazy, because I've been totally skipping both, aside from lettuce and tomato on burgers at work. I didn't have fruit or anything at breakfast today, but I ate a LOT for me for breakfast, and it was healthy stuff, so I'm feeling pretty pleased about breakfast generally. I'm not going to beat myself up about not doing it "perfectly", either, because I know this isn't all going to happen in a day, and if I expect it to I'm only setting myself up to fail. And the idea here is to have balance, but also some leeway. So if I want to have some junk as a dessert, or I want to go out for a meal, or whatever, I can do that. But overall, in a general sense, I do need to try and be healthier. So I'm going to try.

I don't know my weight atm and... well, it's not that I don't care, exactly, but that I'm trying not to pay attention. With healthy eating and good exercise I should get quite fit, even if I don't lose any body fat (I didn't last time I worked out regularly), so I shouldn't need to know a specific weight. I guesstimated 117 for the gym machines yesterday. I might get on the scale now and again to see how I'm doing overall, but I'm going to try NOT to let the number freak me out. We'll see if that works, but....... I'm going to try? :S

2010-11-29T21:54:00.000-03:30

I am disgusted with myself. Somehow I made it back up to 117 again... I have no idea how I gained 2-3 lbs in like a week. (I ate more, yes, but not enough for THAT kind of weight gain.) I'm a fucking fatass, and I seem extremely unmotivated to get my act together and just stop fucking eating shitty foods. I'm disgusted with myself because apparently I want to remain this weight, given my gluttony and relatively apathetic attitude. Of course, a part of me obviously still cares a bit, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this... but it's just that usual critical aspect of myself, not my "real" self too. At least, I don't think it is.

The point is, I'm a fat fuck who seemingly won't stop being a fat fuck. I think I have every right to be disgusted with myself.

Today I'm doing a personal training session at my gym... although she called it a "personal health profile". I'm pretty sure she'll be doing a few fitness tests on me, and she said something about measurements and stuff... so, basically, I get to see just how fat and weak I actually am. Well, at least I'll know, with solid evidence, how I'm really doing, instead of playing a lot of guessing games.

God, I'm negative today.

2010-11-11T23:19:00.000-03:30

114.0 today... which quite frankly AMAZES me, since I ended up eating and keeping in a bit of food yesterday (some chips and dip) and had other calories besides. I wonder if my very very long sleep last night had something to do with it. Whatever. I'll take it!!

I was just looking at my weight graph on MyPlate (on the Livestrong site), and I was going to post it somewhere else anyway, so I thought maybe I would post it here as well. I bet every damn bulimic on the planet would have a weight graph that looks as crazy and zigzagged as this one... bulimics, as many of you probably know, can drop and gain weight like crazy. As it goes, in fact, I would imagine this sort of graph is pretty typical of your average bulimic.

So there you can see my low maintained weight of late August to mid September... my weight spike to 113 lbs when I started going to the gym and gaining a bit of muscle weight... and then the lack of weighing myself at all when I stopped going to the gym and started comfort eating, only to top out at 117.4 on October 21st. Which, of course, is when I decided I HAD to do something about it. I've lost quite gradually since then... an average of maybe a pound a week? But at least I've lost. And I haven't been completely starving myself, comparatively speaking, which I guess is sort of an improvement in one way, though another part of me really fucking hates it because I clearly have no willpower if I can't lose faster, and blah blah fucking blah. Lots of ED bullshit. You know.

So, basically, my weight has been a nice zigzag since then, because gradual weight loss doesn't show up right away, so you can gain a pound of water weight here or lose a real half a pound there, and it takes viewing the trend to actually see the weight loss consistently. It was only upon viewing that graph that I realized the 114.0 is probably accurate, given the weight loss trend that's been happening so far, and all those spikes upward were probably water or poop weight or some crap. I AM losing, though it's not exactly as fast as I'd like it to be. On the other hand, I have some energy, and am not totally 100% ED-crazy at the moment, so maybe it has its benefits.

2010-11-10T18:18:00.001-03:30

I do not want to digest solid food for the next two days. If I do eat solid foods, I must purge. But ideally I will not eat solid foods at all.

So far I've had Diet Pepsi, half a large coffee with 3 milk, and a medium French vanilla cappuccino. So it's not like I haven't had any calories... I'm just not eating "real" food.

I really, honestly feel like I could continue this indefinitely right now. Just... not eat. Or if I do, purge. I've purged at work several times now, and so far nobody's even come into the bathroom when I've done it. I can do it quickly, and silently. So far, nobody at work even suspects anything, because I've made it a habit to go to the bathroom at the end of breaks anyway, so it doesn't look any different to them. My other option is to just leave the store during break, bring my lunch container with some diet soda or something in it, or just say I'm getting Tims, and not even have to purge. There are so many ways around eating, honestly. It's only a matter of which I prefer to do.

It's strange how quickly this got bad. After I had to call the ambulance on [my friend who ODed], it was like all my anxiety just started nagging at me, and I started feeling worse at times than I had been, and I guess it hit me that good spurts in one's life don't last forever... eventually things always start getting shaken up again. And after I realized that, it was easy to just fall back into old habits, old routines. It was easy, so easy, to want to lose weight again, to want to not eat, to want to pursue ED to the fullest.

I guess I'm just fucked up. Whatever.

2010-11-06T17:12:00.000-02:30

BMed from the lax last night, and woke up to 115.2 :D :D. I am so glad the weight "gain" wasn't actually real weight. I also now have some assurances that what I'm doing is working, which pleases me, as hopefully I can keep this routine, or something similar, going for quite awhile. My work pants don't quite fit yet, but they're not hideously tight like they were several weeks ago, so I'm decently pleased with my progress. Just gotta keep it going. Ya know.

Watching movies and/or reading tonight... I bought 30 blank DVDs and jewel cases within the last week or so, and have been using my Internet-less computer to burn off some movies. As it happens, so far they've all been children's or Disney movies . A few of them were duds, so I've had to burn them off again, but whatever :/. So far I've burned and watched Pokemon: The First Movie, Finding Nemo, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, and now I'm watching Beauty and the Beast. Am currently burning off Matilda... hopefully that will be done very soon after I finish watching Beauty and the Beast. :)

Love you all!!

2010-11-05T22:10:00.000-02:30

I was 116.6 today... I so faaat :(. I have no idea how it's even possible for me to have gained ANYthing on what I'm eating. Maybe it's water/poo weight? I guess we'll see once the laxatives I took an hour or 2 ago take effect... ought to be either sometime during the night or early in the day tomorrow. I can't wait to get flushed out. I feel fat as fucking hell, what with the gain, and the shit I ate today, and all the b/ping, and all the rest of it. Ugh. I'm so sick of being a FATASS. :/

Nothing else to really report. Just fat fat fat fat fat.

2010-11-04T16:18:00.001-02:30

Keep forgetting to weigh myself... meh. My intake yesterday was "good", by which I mean I didn't keep in too much food... under 1000 cals, I think/hope. I did purge three times, though :/. Ah well.

Today I have so far had a veggie ciabatta sandwich from Mega Wraps, which was only $3.99 and REALLY good. I'd estimate that at about 500 cals (huge bread, cheese, mayo, blah blah). I plan to have a Luna bar (180) for break at work, and that's all I want to keep in today. Chances are decent that I'll end up b/ping tonight, but whatever. I don't care anymore. If that's the only way I can stick to losing weight, that's what I'm going to have to do. All I care about, food-wise, right now is whether I'm losing weight. The rest of it can get shot to hell, and it really doesn't matter to me, sadly.

I just want to be thin again. Thin thin thin.

In other news, R is coming to my house Monday morning (I hope) to install my Internet and cable ^_^. I'm getting a digital cable box for my living room, and just regular cable in my bedroom. The whole thing, taxes in, is going to cost me about $71 a month, according to the R guy. So it's pretty good, actually. About the same as I would have paid with the student rate thing, even though it's not technically any sort of student rate, but rather a "bundle". Whatever. As long as it works, I don't care. Heh.

Oh, yes, and I should probably mention that I went to the psychiatrist today. The appointment itself was fine -- meds are the same -- but I mentioned that I have a lot of really random bruises on my body, and asked him if maybe the prescriptions I'm on could be doing it. He didn't think so, and apparently I don't take enough ibuprofen that it should thin my blood enough to account for the bruises, so he wrote me a slip for some basic bloodwork (CBC, iron, B12, thyroid, and some clotting factor thing) and told me I should make an appointment with my GP, as apparently she can do more extensive platelet testing. It seems most likely that I'm anemic, but then again I've thought in the past that I might be anemic, only to have my hemoglobin, iron, and B12 all come out fine. The other most likely possibility is that something is wrong with my platelet count, and if that's the case any number of things could be wrong. I'm really hoping it's nothing... but I guess I'll find out. o.o

Peace out.

2010-11-03T18:22:00.000-02:30

I have been eating waaay too much these last several days. I was down to 115.8, but with my luck I'm up again from all the stupid eating I've done. I should probably weigh myself tomorrow to check on it.

Moved into my new two-bedroom apartment on Sunday. It's lovely and spacious, and I have a whole basement (three rooms) on top of a regular apartment upstairs. It's RIGHT across the road from the university, and as such is close to bus routes to basically anywhere in the city, and the area itself is lovely -- nice properties, lots of trees, etc. AND my rent is basically the same as it used to be, except that cable isn't included anymore. Oh well. I plan to call R within the next couple of days and begin the process for getting cable and wireless Internet installed, as they have a student deal... $59.98 a month for both.

My hand is cramped (am on my phone to write this) so I must be off. Love you all. <3

2010-10-28T21:55:00.001-02:30

Was 116.8 yesterday, which makes for a total of 0.6 lbs lost in 6 days. I guess it could be worse... I could have gained, or even maintained. But it's still not all that great. I should be losing more. Maybe I will, if I can actually stick to my diet.

One major wrench in my plans is going to be work. Some days I take my food, and that's fine; I know how many cals is in it, I'm comfortable with eating it, etc. I can make it look pretty normal (sandwich, a side, and some diet soda). Nobody at work would have any idea that I've eaten like 600 cals that day. However, when I don't bring supper, and I get a veggie burger or whatnot, I always seem to have a side with it, and if we don't have salad (like we didn't one day, and I thought we didn't yesterday) it gets dicey, because then I want fries, which are like 260 cals just for a small, not including the ketchup. And since the burger itself is like 400-450 cals... well, it's just too much for one meal. Yet I HAVE to have the side. It's stupid, I know, but mentally I can't get around it at this point. So I'm going to have to bring my lunch more often, or go somewhere else on days I don't bring anything, like maybe to Tims. The low-fat blueberry muffin is only 290, so that and a coffee or diet soda would be okay for break. Hopefully we won't be out of salads on certain days, so it won't be a problem to just get the salad for my side instead (comes to about 100 cals including dressing).

That way what happened yesterday won't happen again. Yesterday I ended up having the fries with the burger, then thinking about how many cals I'd eaten in total that day, which was DEFINITELY too much, and then I ended up purging in the employee washrooms. Luckily there are only two stalls, and generally it's pretty private, or people leave quickly... but still. I would really rather not be purging at work. Especially since the bathrooms are so disgusting there.

This is the sort of planning that always goes into restriction for me. I think about and weigh all possible food options for every meal and/or "snack". I plan things like "Okay, only coffee for 'breakfast', normal-looking break (but it should only be 300-400 calories max if you can help it, and no onion rings, no larger fries, no ice cream, no anything higher cal as a side), then don't eat when you get home, or if you do make it a b/p so you don't absorb much, if anything". I dunno. It seems normal to me when in restriction mode, but I know it's not "normal". Not like I care either way. I kind of hate that I have to do it (or at least I really hated it at first; I'm getting used to it now), but I have to do it, so I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal with it. You know?

Dum dum dum.

2010-10-25T14:47:00.000-02:30

Still at 117.2. Of course. I didn't really expect to lose any weight on my intake lately, and I didn't. At least I didn't gain, I guess. Stupid antibiotics. Oh well... today is the last day for them, and only because I missed one yesterday. I'll take that now, since I've just had some cereal, and then the rest of the day is UP TO ME. Finally.

I want:
110 lbs or less
800 cals a day, max (I still have to work, etc)
B/ping if necessary to ward off extra eating

Wb, ED. It's a good thing I didn't actually think you'd gone away for real, otherwise I might be disappointed right now.

2010-10-25T08:27:00.000-02:30

Or maybe recovery is not possible. Or, rather, it is only possible when I maintain within xxx and xxx lbs, and if I go too close to xxx lbs I HAVE to restrict and lose the weight again, especially if I've gotten there through comfort eating / general gluttony instead of gaining weight in a healthy way. Since I can't seem to stick to healthy weight loss -- not that I'm sure this would even be applicable in my case, because even now my weight is still within the low end of normal -- I have to do it the disordered way.

I just can't let this shit go. Mostly because of what happens when I do let it go. I comfort eat -- I gain weight -- I freak out -- and then restrictive ED gets triggered all over again. And I simply don't see a way of ending this cycle in a healthy way without going back to some sort of treatment, which I have absolutely NO intentions of doing (and no time for anyway). So... ED is how it's going to have to be.

It's not really okay, yet at the same time it is. It's okay because I finally came to an acceptance, a couple of months ago, that someday this might kill me. And I do mean acceptance -- all the rebellion, anger, despair, desperately running around trying to fix it, all that has gone away and been replaced with calm. One might even call it peace. I've done basically everything I can think of to try and fix this, short of ripping open my soul and once again falling into an immense psychological/psychiatric breakdown, and it just hasn't worked. The long and short of it is that I NEED the ED to function even semi-normally, and if I don't have it, I really will fall headlong into yet another horrific breakdown, because that seems to be how my mental fucked-up-ness plays out. And I just can't deal with the breakdowns anymore. If I have to die of one or the other someday, let it be ED, please. Because, on the whole, the suffering with ED is honestly much, much less. I would rather deal with bulimia and restriction than live with constant suicidality and soul agony.

2010-10-15T18:43:00.001-02:30

I just wanted to say that I am NOT relapsing anymore; in fact, I am doing quite well. I'm too tired to write in any detail right now, but I didn't want to let those posts below stand alone without any correction.

Recovery IS possible.

2010-08-21T16:28:00.000-02:30

109.6 lbs today. Pleased that I've lost a little over 5 lbs in two weeks; but at the same time it doesn't feel like enough. I want to be in the double digits like NOW. You know?

I got a full-time job at FFP*; I started that on the 12th. I don't mind it, because a) I'm a vegetarian, so I don't eat most of that shit anyway; b) because it's in a mall, I can eat, or not eat, whatever the hell I want on my breaks and nobody notices; c) since I'm not trained in the kitchen I don't work in the kitchen, meaning that most of the food smells are far away from me, meaning I'm not really super tempted to eat the food most of the time. Plus it takes half an hour for the bus to get to the mall after a typical shift, meaning that if I did order food to bring home and b/p on, it'd be 50 minutes before I even got it home. Meaning that I don't buy it, because I don't want to eat it before I get somewhere I can purge, but after 50 minutes it's gonna be cold as fuck anyway, and reheated fast food = gross. So that temptation disappears as well.

The ED clinic has been calling me for the last few days, since I haven't gone to meal support in two weeks. I have tried to call them a couple of times, but got no answer. I may have to resort to leaving a message on their machine about how I don't want to come back; I would have rathered tell my care coordinator on the phone, but so far my work schedule seems to make me miss all her calls, and I have to tell them at some point soon. I'll go in for my dietician appointment on Wednesday if they want me to, but if they don't, I don't really care. I certainly don't intend to retake their EDI or whatever. I haven't decided yet whether I'll let them refer me to an OP dietician. On the one hand, I have no intention of following a meal plan; on the other, maybe somebody ED-knowledgeable should be at least monitoring my basic health. Of course, at some point I'd want the health monitoring stopped, too, more than likely, so there's probably no point at all. Maybe I could let them refer me and then decide later. Whatever.

To me, this is just... it, you know? I've tried so hard to get over my issues, to learn how to actually live, and I can't seem to do it. There's too much mental shit still holding me back, still making me feel, making me know, that what I am is not right within this world, this society. I just can't deal with it, or the mental torture of everything, anymore. So I have no intentions of stopping this, or of trying to stay healthy indefinitely. I just want this to continue until it comes to whatever conclusion it's going to reach.

*Fast food place

2010-08-06T01:15:00.000-02:30

I am relapsing. I am relapsing, and I don't care.

115 lbs.

2010-07-25T16:43:00.000-02:30

So over the last day or two something... I dunno, shifted in my head somehow. I'm not entirely sure if it's the med increase working or not, but I do know that I feel much more restful, less self-destructive, and more like I can actually enjoy things in life. I actually feel like being social and doing things sometimes, which is a far cry from the last many weeks, when all I wanted to do was hide out in my place and be alone. My guess is that it's the med, but, like I said, I'm not sure. It's a good change, though. I guess I feel more like "myself" again.

What does scare me is how something changing in my physical brain can bring alllll this other shit out again. It's startling how quickly and easily I fall back into it all again once my head shifts. Makes me realize afresh that there is a part of this that I really can't just "fix myself" or pull myself out of -- I seem to really need the meds. Which is both frightening and relieving at the same time. Frightening because I could easily slip back down at any time -- but relieving because the medication can and does truly help. I certainly know what side of the med debate I fall under now.

I have been, truly, just acting on how I felt. And I felt very apathetic and hopeless and nihilistic and all the rest of it. I enjoyed nothing the way I used to; I wanted to seclude myself; I felt I needed and deserved every bit of self-destruction. And it still feels appropriate for me to have acted on things the way I did, even though to a "logical" or "well" person none of it would have made any sense. The only reason I'm not as self-destructive as I was is simply because I feel different. I did not change my mindset, or do any CBT type stuff on myself. I simply feel different. Which I guess is how I've always seen getting better, anyway -- you try to get better because you feel better, not the other way around. No one could possibly have talked me out of that mood/mode I was in, but the med has been able to help where no words could possibly have helped. I simply felt the way I felt, and that was the end of the story for me. You know?

Anyway, it's a bit better now, so I guess no one needs to worry, or whatever. Not that I was ever particularly worried about it myself; but I guess you don't worry when you're apathetic.

Extremely triggery in multiple ways

2010-07-23T15:47:00.000-02:30

I am extremely self-destructive right now, and have been for the last few weeks. I'm not drinking any hydrating liquids, am restricting myself to non-nutritious foods, and am taking a goodly amount of Ex Lax every day, meaning I'm basically on the pot all the fucking time. I am cutting as well, although I don't exactly do it every day... but I do it on purpose to make ugly, jagged wounds that will leave ugly, jagged scars.

I think about suicide... a lot. I have been researching methods, trying to find something as quick and painless as possible, but so far haven't come up with any that I can easily get my hands on. I DO have other methods, but those would likely involve a great deal of time and/or pain. I'm on the fence about killing myself, still. There are moments when I REALLY REALLY want to, but more when I essentially have a death wish, but can't do anything to actively bring it about. The only thing I've got right now is this whole trying-to-lower-my-electrolytes shit.

I just keep sitting here silently wishing, begging, to die. I wish over and over again that my potassium will go low enough that I'll have a heart attack, or stop breathing in my sleep from muscle weakness. I'd be more okay with that than some other ways of dying right now. At least it would take me by surprise -- I wouldn't realize I was dying till the last second, so I wouldn't have time to dwell on it. Dwelling on it is what makes me ambivalent. I guess, in a way, I'm trying to cheat my own mind.

I am depressed, I guess. That much has been established. My psychiatrist has already increased my Effexor to 112.5, but so far I basically see no change in my apathy, or my self-destruction. I see him again in a little over a week. I can only imagine he'll want to bring me up to 150, since my head is so completely fucked right now. I don't have any idea what else he could or would do. At this point, honestly, I hardly even care.

I just want this stupid life to be over with...

2010-05-18T16:25:00.000-02:30

I suppose I really ought to post some past updates that I wrote on my forum, but I think today's entry there will make sense even without a lot of recent background. I may post older entries later, though.

So I recently decided to go vegan, or at least as vegan as is humanly possible. Just in case anybody doesn't know, vegan means that I will not be eating meat, dairy, eggs, or other animal products such as honey, gelatin, whey, casein, etc. I decided to become vegan about a week ago, after reading horrible quotes from people who worked in slaughterhouses, and then seeing a video about factory farms on GoVeg.com. That was enough to start me off; but I've also done a lot of interesting reading about the health benefits of being vegan since then, which simply serves to reaffirm something I decided to do because of ethics. And to answer the obvious question... no, it has nothing to do with ED. Even at the worst of my restrictive episodes I was never even vegetarian, let alone vegan. To be honest, I always thought it was silly to go veg as a way to restrict. I liked meat, and still do, really. I just can't pay people to treat animals like shit and/or slaughter them anymore. That's all.

I've found a lot of interesting/good vegan substitutes, though. I already ate and liked veggie burgers and veggie dogs; I've now also got stuff like vegan meat substitutes, nayonaise (a vegan spread that is like Miracle Whip), soy milk (although I plan to try rice and almond milk as well), soy yogurt, etc. The only thing I really haven't liked was the soy yogurt, and even that might be palatable if I eat it with All Bran or something. I hope so, as I don't want to have wasted my money on it.

The funny thing is that I'm actually eating a lot more healthfully now that I'm doing the vegan thing. Aside from even protein worries, which are really bogus (especially when you consider how much soy I'll probably be eating), there are concerns that vegan diets can sometimes lack in stuff like calcium, vitamin B-12, etc. Yesterday I got well over 100% of my daily RDA of vitamin B-12, though, because my vegan meats and soy milk are fortified with it. As for calcium, well, honestly, I never even got enough calcium as an omnivore, so I'll probably get about the same amount as a vegan. On the other hand, I saw a really interesting video about how animal proteins leech calcium from your bones, so even if you get the RDA for calcium every day, if you eat meat you can basically drain it all out again. So there's a decent chance that the calcium I do get now will actually stick with me, so I'll probably actually get more of it into my bones now.

I can't go 100% vegan everywhere -- meal support only does vegetarianism, although they do offer soy milk in place of regular milk, which I will take advantage of. Total veganism is also hard when eating at a friend's place, or going to restaurants, but I am going to do my very best to go as vegan as possible in such circumstances. Minimally I can avoid meat as well as overt dairy and eggs, although I may end up having to eat products that contain milk or eggs as an ingredient. It is going to be an interesting journey, and I will have to figure it out as I go along... and I am certain to make plenty of mistakes (I have already). But that doesn't mean I'm not going to do my very very best at all times.

On the ED front, I started the nutrition education group on Monday and am due to start art therapy in another couple of weeks. Nutrition ed involves nutrition-related goals, which is... interesting. My goal for this week was to "mechanically eat" breakfast, lunch, & dinner without purging any of it. I did manage that yesterday. We'll see how I do today, and in the days to follow. My other goal is to actually get a "real" meal plan from my dietician, which I technically should have, but I've been bad and been refusing to follow a formal meal plan for weeks now. I can't honestly say I will follow anything she gives me now, either. But maybe it would be better to have a guideline, at least, even if I don't follow it strictly. I dunno. We'll see.

That's about all in the ED/food life of me. Still eating, still probably maintaining this ~~grossdisgusting~~ weight I'm at, but trying to do things a little healthier, and not buying binge food, etc. I guess it could be a lot worse.

2010-04-11T23:56:00.001-02:30

So let's see... what's been going on? Groups are starting to wind down at the ED clinic. I missed the last two sessions of the body image group, anyway, but that ended last Monday; the wellness group's final session was last Tuesday. Emotions group is still going on every Wednesday until the 21st. Meal support is indefinite... as long as I'm still at the clinic in some capacity, I will need to continue to go to that every week. How long I keep attending meal support depends on if I want to continue to see a dietician at the program (in which case I'd do meal support), or if I'd rather be referred to a separate outpatient dietician (in which case meal support would end).

To be honest, I'm not sure what I want to do yet. I fear going without the support of the ED clinic, yet I'm getting a bit tired of being in treatment. In general, too, not just as it relates to the ED-specific treatment. My therapist and I have more or less come to a standstill, as I, in essence, get angry when we get into anything deeper, and just really really don't want to get into any of it. It has felt for the last several weeks like it was just making things worse to sit in her office, and not actually helping in any way.

And by this I don't mean that I'm unwilling to do the painful work. I mean that it feels worse to be there in a non-productive way. If it was actually me working through any significant issues, I would see the point in staying. But I'm not, and to be honest I can't think of any issues I haven't already talked about with her. Most of the work I have to do now (I think) is learn to live with the hand in life that I've been dealt, and try to see things more positively. Which a) I CAN do somewhat on my own now, and b) I don't think my T can help me with anyway, because that's not the kind of therapy she does. She's psychodynamic, not CBT/DBT/whatever. And I feel like most of the work I have left to do really is more CBT-esque.

Everybody's got shit in their lives, but not everybody needs to see a therapist, or do treatment programs. My ED is not completely gone, maybe, but it honestly is miles better than it was 6 months ago. And right now I am not willing to give up bulimia, and the only point in staying at the ED clinic would be to give up bulimia, so it's hard for me to see any point in staying much longer. I'm eating, and at a normal weight, and I know how to eat healthily, and yadda yadda yadda. I am not suicidal; I rarely cut; my depression and dysthymia are both much better; my anxiety is (mostly) under control. So why do I need to talk about "deeper" issues that only serve to upset and destabilize me? It seems like I am far more stable, and able to function in my life, when I am working on trying to feel more positive about things, instead of diving into things that upset me, and feeling so upset that I can't see anything positive anymore.

So... I am decreasing sessions with my T, to once every two weeks. I am only going to the ED clinic once a week, aside from dietician appointments. I'm scared, as I said, but I also feel like it's time. Time to try it on my own, and see what happens. I mean, it's not like I don't know where the supports are, or how to access them again if I need to. And it's not like I'd be quitting anything altogether, either. I just need... space. I need a break. And so I am going to try and take as much of a break as I can take.

2010-03-17T23:39:00.000-02:30

So I saw my dietician on Monday, and I was freaking out so much about how I was convinced I'd gained a bunch of weight that she actually took me to the checkup room and weighed me. The result? I was 52.1 kg. Which is only .1 kg up from my last weigh-in there, weeks ago. Which, essentially, means that I have not gained any weight.

This boggles my mind. Even when I was in the room I hardly believed it. ED brain rationalized it as such: The day I was 52kg, I hadn't had a BM that day, but the day I was 52.1kg I'd JUST had a fairly large BM, so maybe my weight was artificially lowered. However, my friend M (who also has an ED) told me that BM really doesn't weigh that much -- not enough to really make a huge difference in a weigh-in, anyway. But ED tells me it is not possible that I've maintained, because I'm such a fatass that I MUST have gained. I still don't understand it on a level of logic, and definitely not emotionally.

So if my weight is about 115 lbs on a dietician's scale, with clothes on and some food weight, that means I would probably weigh something like 112-113 lbs in the morning, nude. Which makes my BMI 19.4-19.5 (Dietician's charts would have me at 19.9.) 21st percentile for my weight and height. Logically, this may for me still be slightly low. For myself, however, I am PERFECTLY happy maintaining this weight. The dietician thinks my weight is healthy, so she's by no means pressuring me to gain anymore. If I did gain more, though, I doubt she would mind, if it was the result of healthy eating.

So, yeah... I'm still eating. It's sort of my own approximation of the meal plan most days, rather than the specific meal plan itself, but the total cals are probably not really more than the meal plan would have me at. The dietician would like me to think more in terms of nutrients / food groups and not calories, but old habits die hard. I simply can't think of all fruits as equal, or all veggies, or dips, or slices of bread. They're just NOT. Different calories (combined with nutritional content, like whole wheat vs white, etc) MAKES them different. I do, for the most part, try to vary my intake between higher and lower cal options; that is, I will have the higher-cal ones sometimes. I do at least TRY not to have higher-cal items be totally forbidden foods. I just don't want to eat them on an everyday basis. I don't see what's so wrong with that.

As for b/ping, I'm still doing it, but perhaps not quite as intensely as before. Sometimes the binges are smaller, at any rate, and sometimes I only purge once a day, instead of two or more times. Occasionally I even manage to skip a day. So, yes, I'm still bulimic, and possibly still too controlling over food, but I'm maintaining my weight, and the bulimia is slightly less intense, so I'm sort of improving? Or at least I tell myself I'm improving. If I don't I might convince myself to fall off the bandwagon altogether. And the thought of doing that scares me. (Though I still have many moments when I desperately wish I could lose all the weight again.)

I guess that is ED life at the moment.

2010-03-17T20:06:00.000-02:30

Another set of backdated entries from the forum I make posts at. There is nothing more recent than March 5th, but that's because I haven't been writing anything.

January 31st, 2010

There was a lot I meant to write here and didn't. Let's try and put it in a small-ish nutshell. Called about emotions group; got an appointment set up with dietician in two weeks; am still b/ping, and also eating less in between times; starting to think recovery might be a fucking joke, for all I can do with it.

I just don't know what to do or say anymore. I can't keep myself on the straight and narrow, and I don't see how anyone else can, either, so it appears to me that I'm just bloody screwed.

February 7th, 2010

Things are still basically going exactly the same as they were the last time I wrote. Restriction. B/ping. I've spent almost all my money from last cheque; the next one doesn't come for another eight days.

Saw my GP last Thursday about getting a medical withdrawal for student loan from last semester, and she did agree to fill out the form for me. However, she didn't exactly think going back and doing a course over the summer was a good idea. I feel that I am obliged to tell the career counsellor I'm seeing that my doctor doesn't recommend I do a course this summer, and I'm slightly incensed about it. I just keep thinking, "What the hell am I going to do with my summer if I don't do a course?" For how long, exactly, can I deal with the emptiness of this life I lead? I mean, yes, right now my days are fuller, what with going to the ED clinic two days of the week (soon to be three, if I get into emotions group), and doing therapy, and seeing my social worker, and now seeing this career counsellor person... but that won't continue forever. Eventually all of it will stop, and after it does I'm going to have to find something to do. I can't really spend all day every day on my computer or watching TV, can I? You know? Not to mention that doing this will certainly not give me any motivation to recover, since I will feel that my life is completely useless, and will therefore want to act out on ED symptoms even more.

I guess I just want some guarantee that SOME of my time will be spent doing something useful or productive in the longer term. Especially because if things keep going the way they are going, I don't know how long they will actually keep me at this clinic. I am feeling very little motivation to change my behaviors at this point, and if I don't they will kick me out eventually. Yet part of me doesn't want that, either... knows that this is kind of a do-it-or-fall situation, and I don't want to completely fall. Yet I seem to be willing to tolerate a lot more ED-wise the last few weeks. Is ANY breaking point ever going to be enough for me? Am I just getting complacent? Do I need someone to kick me solidly in the ass before I'll do shit? Why am I not motivated anymore? How am I coming to any level of comfort with restricting and b/ping, when it felt like torture before? I guess I don't... really get it. I shouldn't be able to be any significant level of okay when restricting, one would think, and yet, somehow, I am.

Strange phases.

February 18th, 2010

There's really only one thing to say, and that is: My life is becoming a bulimic nightmare. All I seem to want to do is binge. I'm doing my best to eat more during the day, and keep it in, but no matter how much I eat I just want to binge binge binge. I cannot stop myself from binging.

Fuck my life.

March 5th, 2010

I can't really write lately. I don't know why. I don't write anywhere. This [forum] would be the first place if I was going to. I just... don't write.

I'm eating. I'm fat. Last time I saw a scale was at my friend's, at night, fully food-loaded and wearing clothes; the scale said 119. It was a crappy analog scale, so who knows how accurate it was, but still. It's a good thing my true weight was 115 or less, because 119 is FAR TOO HIGH. I was 52kg at the dietician's office a few weeks ago, with some food weight and clothes, which means I've gained anyway, which I knew. I've gained because I'm a fucking fatass. Which, again, I already knew.

I'm still fucking eating and whatever, and I'm not b/ping as much, so I'm fine, right? I'm fine. And I don't deserve the ED clinic's attention... not that I think I need it most of the time. The dietician after this week only wants to see me once every second week, because I am eating the meal plan, or at least some approximation of it (sometimes I'm fatter and eat different grosser things, or more than the plan; rarely, I skip exchanges, but usually make up for it calorie-wise later in the day), so what else can she do for me I suppose. Not that I particularly want to go every week; but the fact that I don't need to just means I'm willing to eat, and be this weight, which means I'm fat.

I wish eating and being the weight that I am didn't make me fat, but it does. All I want to do is lose the weight, but I know that way misery lies. Yet I don't seem to be much less miserable, ED-wise, maintaining. Yet I can live life more fully when I eat. Yet that same life often scares me so much.

Mind fucks.

Maybe I'll do a more recent update sometime later. I've been meaning to, anyway.

2010-01-29T00:29:00.000-03:30

Somehow I am tolerating life right now. I think it's just because I'm b/ping all the freaking time, and also getting a little more scared about what I'm eating. Everything seems like too much. Especially full meal plan compliance. I'm not quite sure how this recovery thing is going to work.

My depression/dysthymia is acting up a bit lately, I think. My memory kind of sucks a little. I want to sleep a lot more. Not so many things actually interest me. My level of apathy is fairly astounding lately, in fact. That being said, though, there are also times when the anxiety hits me, anxiety because of feeling empty and lonely, or overwhelmed by all the things I'm supposed to do, and I never know how to deal with it. Never, that is, except for when I use ED. I seem to use ED to deal with, well, every feeling ever. Which is not productive.

Then again, I am unproductive. Boring. Listless. Lost. Unmotivated. There is a big void inside me; my life is a big void. I am trying to put things in it, but it is like lining the bottom of a tall, round vase with a thin layer of sand. There's something there, and the vase won't fall over, but the hollowness around and in it is massive and cannot be ignored. And I simply do not have any more sand.

2010-01-26T22:39:00.000-03:30

Yay for backdated entries, again.

Sunday, January 24th, 2010

So on Friday I got two calls from the ED clinic, for two of the groups. On Mondays I'm supposed to do the body esteem group, and on Tuesdays a group called wellness group, which I think is supposed to focus on day-to-day wellness and stuff like that. I am not sure how I feel about this, but I'm going to try it. I have my first group tomorrow.

Been b/ping as per normal. Everything else in life is going fairly okay. I guess I don't have so much that I want to report.

Monday, January 25th, 2010

Had the body esteem group today. It was actually a lot better / more relevant than I had thought it might be. I think I will continue with it and see where it goes from here.

I have my first wellness group tomorrow. All I can really hope is that my first impression of that group is as good as the impression from body esteem. Well, and I also hope both groups continue to go well. We will see on both counts, I guess.

Didn't eat all my exchanges today, though, and have b/ped twice. I kind of feel like I am failing at recovery. But whatever. It may all fall down around me... but it's not like that hasn't happened before. Right now I do not particularly 100% care. Whatever happens happens. Maybe I will get more motivated as the weeks go by, and I actually see the program dietician, etc.

2010-01-22T00:20:00.001-03:30

Followed my meal plan all day; b/ped three times tonight. Seems about normal to me, which is kind of sad. I actually tried to follow supper and night snack as normal, but it was all surrounded with the b/ping, so I know I did not keep in the totality of either meal or snack. However, it's quite possible that I kept in extra cals from the binges, so to me it kind of evens out. Or something.

Haven't heard from clinic yet. Dropped off my psychology evals to them on Wednesday, since I decided to do them a few nights before that, but I was only there for about three seconds. I'm starting to get slightly anxious about the lack of communication. I just thought I'd've heard from them by now. Evidently not.

I am attempting to put myself back on a more normal sleep schedule. I had been getting up at about 12 or 1 every day and going to bed at 2 or 3... which, yes, also means I've been sleeping far too much. However, this sleep pattern has meant I've gotten very little time in during daylight hours, and also that my later hours are spent not being able to go anywhere or do anything, since nothing's really open after 10 or 11. When I used to go to bed by 11 or 12, and get up at more like 9 or 10 every day, I think I did feel better generally... more alive, more in tune with the world, what have you. So I started getting up earlier yesterday, which is the only day I am usually required to be up early. However, I actually had an appointment with a career counsellor from income support this morning, and I have an appointment with my social worker tomorrow morning, and I'm going out for coffee with my mom on Saturday morning. I think the universe is trying to tell me something, somehow. :P

Speaking of career counselling... there is a possibility I may be able to get funding to do some courses at university! The program I'm doing, which is supposed to help young people go back to the work force or to school, has funding until October, so I may be able to do a course over the summer and then do a full course load in September, provided I feel ready for both those steps. I definitely think I could handle at least a course over the summer. I really want to do a full-time courseload in September, but we'll have to see how I feel about it when it comes time. Then again, I'm not sure how easily I could pass up the opportunity to do something productive AND have it funded. I really really hope I am feeling in a place to handle it by then. Doing so would also mean I'd get to keep my parents' awesome insurance for the final year I'm eligible (I'm only covered until I'm 25, and only as an adult if I'm in school full time). So here's hoping I am up for it.

2010-01-19T17:10:00.001-03:30

Written yesterday.

Ballooning. Scale today said 113. BMI of that would be 19.5. I guess it's possible that I'm retaining water, as I've been b/ping at least 2-3 times a day for the last week or more, but not much of it is water. I'm just getting fat.

Funny thing is, I hardly care. I seem to not care about so much these days. I just have this little blank void-ish thing going on, and I seem to be... not content with that, but not fighting it, either. Content would not be an appropriate word to describe how I feel about anything in my life these days, but nor am I ridiculously upset. I guess I am keeping myself in a very neutral, rather emotionless spot with all this b/ping.

However, I feel like there's some kind of emotional tidal wave beneath all this, which would overwhelm me if I stopped b/ping... which is why I don't stop b/ping. Last night I resisted an urge to eat, not even for a very long time, and all at once anxiety threatened to overwhelm me. Don't ask me why not being able to eat would cause such a reaction. All I know is that I don't feel I can handle any such reactions, and so I don't even try to. I just give in to all my food urges, which always involve eating massive quantities of either salty or sweet junk foods. And then I purge when I get hideously full, to avoid getting sick, to avoid gaining weight. Not that the avoiding gaining weight plan seems to be working very well... but I can't imagine where my weight would be right now if I was keeping all this shit IN. Doesn't bear thinking about.

So... yay for non-emotional states? I dunno. I feel very dry and blah. But I'm sure soon enough what I'm doing will no longer be sufficient to stem the tidal wave, and I will begin to suffer again. Already there are tiny cracks in the armor. And once that happens I'm not exactly sure what I will do, but I doubt it will be anything pretty.

2010-01-16T15:41:00.000-03:30

Thought I'd post some journal entries from the other site I update to, as they will explain pretty well where I am right now in terms of ED.

January 4th, 2010

Wish I could say I was facing my issues right now. I suppose I'm not.

On Saturday I was 109.4 lbs. Today: 109.6. This puts me at a BMI of about 18.9. I am pretty unimpressed by the fact that I managed to gain two fucking pounds over Christmas, even though, aside from one or two days, I didn't feel like I actually ate a ginormous amount. I wonder if it was the change to a lot of sugary calories that did it. I've always suspected that my weight does unspeakable things where sugar is involved. I swear I need to follow a practically diabetic diet not to gain weight from sugar. It fucking rots me, because I have a sweet tooth, and intuitively I seem to want to eat a lot of carbs, and sweet things. So when I follow my intuition I gain weight. Is it any wonder I'm afraid to follow my damned intuition?

I know this weight gain is supposedly "healthy" and all that, but it doesn't feel healthy. It just makes me feel fat. Pretty soon I'm going to gain even more weight and not even fit in my clothes anymore (even though I have other, bigger clothes), and then I'm not just going to feel fat... I'm going to BE fat. I am so tired of being motherfucking FAT. WHY is it that every time I eat "normally" I get fucking fat??? Aaaaaaagh.

I'm just tired of it. I want my 107 lbs back. Maybe I could just stay there instead of dropping 5 or 6 lbs below. Body doesn't like that so much. But maybe it could like 107. I don't want it to like 109. I can't fathom it liking anything higher. Very soon I will no longer be considered "skinny" or "small" by my stats. And I want to be small in EVERY way. Not just in what people see. I want the numbers to work too.

WHY do I always have to weigh more than I look? Why can't I just have a more normal body type?

*head explodes*

January 5th, 2010

Had appointment with dietician today. I've been ridiculously triggered by this weight gain -- have wanted to go off the meal plan a lot. We kind of agreed that maybe I could do something midway between restricting and the old, full meal plan I was doing. I don't really know what that is yet, but I'll figure it out.

I'm ridiculously anxious today. Like, so anxious I feel sick. Part of it has to do with a situation with the guy who just moved in above me... he's a night owl and is always walking around above my head at like 12, 1, 2 in the morning, and his footsteps are LOUD. I tried to go to sleep last night, and it took about one step for me to come right awake again. I don't know how I'm supposed to get any sleep until very late if he can't stop the heavy footsteps. I've already talked to him about it, but I know he's going to forget intermittently, and then what am I supposed to do? There are nights when I have to sleep far earlier than those hours... before therapy and stuff like that. I don't know how I'm supposed to sleep with that noise. The guy who used to live above me must have had extremely light footsteps -- in any event, I never heard him walking around. This guy I hear ALL the fucking time. How am I supposed to get used to that?? I've never been able to sleep when random loud noises jar me awake. Even the earplugs don't block it out enough.

I mean, fuck. As if I didn't have enough to deal with already. Now my sleep is threatened. And it just makes my anxiety sky-high, which makes me want to eat "enough" even less. I guess I do know that this apartment anxiety has nothing to do with the ED anxiety; but I hate the way this all feels. Hate it hate it hate it. And I don't see how I can escape from it. I am trying to tell myself that all things have an end -- maybe I could get a unit upstairs if someone moved out, maybe this guy will be able to get quieter, that sort of thing -- but I just don't know. Ugh.

To this a friend replied, in part: This can be something good love. You can do it. We're here for you..

January 6th, 2010

Three (basically complete) meals. One snack. I can do that. I think. I think I have to do that much, or my body will probably revolt. I don't want to start mad b/ping again, or even have cravings for mad b/ping. I am just having a really f***ing tough time with the food right now, and the weight gain. I'm still fairly healthy with this meal plan. Not FULLY healthy, but not super completely restrictive, either. I'm going to have to make do with this for now.

And thanks so much, R, for your support... it means a lot to me. I think I CAN do this, and I WILL do it... I just have to figure out a way to deal with my body first. I guess I'm being a little stubborn, but I simply can't deal with feeling like my weight is going to spiral out of control. So rather than losing weight, maybe I can at least decrease what I eat enough to maintain, or not gain much. I don't really know what my body will decide to do, to be honest. I just have to attempt to arrest this all somehow, for now, and see what happens. Tomorrow is a weigh-day (I do Mondays and Thursdays), so I guess at least I'll know then what the weight's doing. Not that I think I'll like it, whatever it is... but I have to know nonetheless. Not knowing at all is scarier to me than not liking what I see on the scale.

In reply to this, a friend then said: You know Niika you have made such good progress perhaps you could speak with your dietician to see about a meal plan that might help - for a temporary basis - to maintain? Rather then fiddling with the meal plan yourself it might be better to speak with and work with someone.

January 8th, 2010

Well, the dietician was the one who suggested that maybe I could do some sort of compromise between the full meal plan and going completely back to what I was doing... restricting binging purging. You know. And I don't really want to go back to what I was doing, either. I just can't deal with the weight continually increasing right now. I just can't. Not enough internal resources.

Was 109.6 again today when I weighed, so at least it's staying the same. Which is a comfort. My full ED instinct would be to lose the couple of lbs I gained over Christmas, but I'm at least trying to fight that one. Trying to not let it all go downwards, the way the disorder is kind of tugging at me to do. Just because it tugs at me doesn't mean I have to listen to it. But I don't want to send myself into an anxious, suicidal-y freakout state by forcing myself to do the full meal plan, either, and I fear that's what would happen. So I guess I'm putting the brakes on, to a degree, but I do think that's better than completely backpedalling. Right?

And, well, the b/ping is a separate issue, I guess. Been doing it at least once a day for the last few days. Have basically only purged binge food, at least, so I kept all the other stuff in. The problem is that I keep having urges to do it. It's really bloody annoying, to be honest. I don't necessarily WANT to do it, but my body is apparently too used to the old, full meal plan to let me get away easily with the lesser one. Oh well. I will deal with it, resist the urges, whenever possible.

I have an appointment with the psychologist from the ED clinic tomorrow. I guess she'll be doing the psychological assessment that day. She said I'd be there anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half. So we'll see what happens. I had been at a point for awhile where I wasn't sure if I needed the clinic at all, but I think the happenings in the last week, with my weight and body image and all that business, have convinced me that maybe I need to do this. I'm sure I'll get a chance to explain at least some of that to the psychologist tomorrow, anyway. I'm trying not to overanalyze it the way I would like to do. I'm just going to let it be whatever it's going to be, and if I need their help then maybe I need it, and if I don't I'm sure they'll tell me. But maybe I do. Maybe I do.

January 16th, 2010

Had the psychology appointment. Didn't really do that much -- she just took some of my psychological history and whatnot. As psychologist interviews go, it was quite brief (maybe 45 mins) and "standard". Didn't feel too probed into. Had to talk about shit I didn't really want to talk about, like my history of suicide attempts, SI, etc, but that's pretty much inevitable. The ED clinic is gonna have to know all that sort of stuff if they're gonna treat me properly.

Been in a very very bulimic mode for the last... I dunno, week maybe? Been b/ping consistently at nighttimes. Been buying tons of binge food, going through an average of a 2L of diet soda a day, all that sort of shit. It's funny -- you'd think I'd be tired of this -- but I'm not. My motivation for stopping is pretty nil right now, if I'm being honest. It's not that I want to live my life forever as a bulimic -- it's just that bulimia seems so natural, so inevitable. It's just the way I have to operate day-to-day. It's just something I do. It doesn't feel like any sort of self-killing, life-changing thing... it's just there. It just is what it is. I dunno.

Haven't had a call from ED clinic from the dietician. That's the next step in this process. That, and I have to finish filling out the forms I was given. I already filled out the eating disorder inventory, but there's an inventory of mood/psychiatric symptoms that I have yet to fill out, and also some quality of life doodad. I haven't felt like filling either one of those out yet, so I've been putting it off. I figure whenever a dietician bothers to call me about an appointment will be plenty of time. Not like I won't be able to find a minute to do them. I'm pretty free these days.

So life continues along with bulimia, and I am apparently no different than I ever was.

2009-12-30T16:39:00.001-03:30

Crossposted from another site.

Christmas eating was a bit weird, especially Christmas Day... ended up stuffing my face that day, and actually woke up nauseous in the middle of the night after it... but I got through it okay, I think. I haven't weighed myself since I've come home. I may do it tomorrow, just to see where I am in terms of weight. Certain pants feel tighter and the like, so I can't help wondering if I've continued to gain weight. Certainly I ate enough junk over the days I was home for Christmas to possibly have gained. But I don't know that for sure, I guess. Maybe maybe not.

Am back at my apartment now... my lonely little apartment without even any Internet. However, I am thinking of calling the people I get my cell phone with and asking about getting an Internet connection in a bundle with the phone. Apparently at cheapest it can be about $26 a month, without tax, to add a semi-decent Internet connection. I won't really be able to download many torrents, but that would be okay with me as long as I didn't go over my bandwidth. It's kinda like my phone... with the second-lowest connection level I would get about 25GB bandwidth a month, which would possibly/hopefully be enough as long as I don't download too much. So my total bill, for phone and Internet with taxes, might be like... $120 a month? Maximum. Which would be about $60 every cheque. I get about $180 every cheque for everything, so it's not really ideal, but it might be doable. I wouldn't have money for much else, but I don't really have that much extra money to begin with, and maybe it would be worth it for the Internet connection. I wonder how long a contract I would need to sign to get this bundle.

Anyway, that was a totally non-ED tangent. Lol. But that's okay. I guess the point is that I am trying to find a way to make things work in my life, since now I have all this free time or whatever. The Internet would help me stay more connected to the outside world, which is something I have issues with anyway, and my loneliness makes me feel even worse. At least if I had the Internet I could keep in contact with people regularly, by some method that isn't just my cell phone (which has limited capabilities).

Ponderings.

2009-12-22T21:30:00.000-03:30

Crossposted from another blog.

What I wrote on Twitter today got me thinking. Let me write it here for you. And maybe expand upon it a bit.

One thing I have to accept about recovery is that my life will probably not be as "interesting" after this. The rapid downward progression has a feel of accomplishment to it, when in that negative headspace. But I know now that ED is not REAL accomplishment. It's an illusion, designed to keep me sicker, designed to shield me from the bruises and scariness of real life. But sometime I have to learn how to handle real life, no matter how I might dislike it by times, no matter how "boring" it may seem. It is what it is.

I lost more than I accomplished with all this. I lost school. Student loan security. Even financial security. All gone because of ED. And what did I get? Being thin? How is being thin worth all that loss? How did I warp things so highly?

To be honest, I don't think I believed any of this loss could or would happen. Somehow I believed the glue of everything would hold together while I tumbled further and further down the rabbit hole. Maybe because things always "held together" before.

But I didn't factor in one major, important variable: Economics. Economics, something I never had to worry about before, have now basically proceeded to fuck me over. For my next student loan I'm looking at having $2000 taken out of whatever they give me, which I am now going to have to attempt to save. This means I'm going to have to get a job, one I probably won't like a whole lot, and scrimp and pinch in order to save the necessary cash. This is going to take quite a long time. My other option is to continue to work full-time, and do one or two courses every semester until I get the necessary number done. I think it would be a little easier to work full-time for... what, maybe a year or so... and be able to take the school year off to do courses, and work again during summers, like I had planned before. Of course, this all depends on if I can get student loan to actually give me the money I need to be able to live during the semester. Which I hopefully still can, but there's no guarantee.

Right now, though, I am on financial assistance. Yes, government assistance. And, yes, it is a fairly big blow to my pride. It's also the sort of thing that doesn't necessarily have a timeline. I know I should stay on assistance until I know this particular acute episode of ED/mental illness actually IS gone, and won't come back. But how long is that going to take? Four months? Six? Longer? And what of the fact that I can seem to somewhat hold things together right now... you know, because I'm mostly eating my meal plan, not b/ping nearly as much, etc. Could this mean I don't need the ED treatment as badly as I did before, the way my head says as it nags at me?

The truth is, considering how acute I WAS, they may still take me. But will I benefit from this treatment? I have noticed that many of the days I get triggered are the ones I actually go to the clinic... the ones where I have to talk about ED directly, and do so with people who actually understand ED. Does that mean I actually need to go (though sometimes I doubt how much I need it), or is it somehow making me worse? Or maybe being there just temporarily takes the veil off the real, underlying issues, that somehow I'm suppressing right now in order to try and be meal plan compliant, and not do ED behaviors. I do know I'm having a decent bit of anxiety, existential depression. Is it possible that the ED program could have something to offer me in terms of resolving the things that caused the ED in the first place? I mean, I think that's what they try to do. But isn't that what all my current treatment (psychologist, social worker, psychiatrist, etc) is aimed at? But maybe that ED focus also needs to be there, working on me from that perspective.

I just really don't know what I think about any of this anymore. I am continuing forward with trying to go to the ED clinic simply because I have done so much towards trying to go to it already, and I don't want to chickenshit out now. I know I do need SOME support. The dietician stuff is the only thing keeping me on track at all with eating. I feel like without that support... without someone to check in with, to help me try and be more logical about food... I could not do this meal plan, and possibly would not even WANT to. So maybe that indicates right there that I do need this ED clinic. I don't know. The dietician I have was only intended to be temporary anyhow, and she can't exactly help with the psychological issues. I know there are limitations in that regard. So maybe I need this clinic more than I think I do. Maybe maybe maybe.

All I know is that I couldn't have stopped this. For some reason, I desperately needed ED when I was engaging in it. I still don't know all the reasons why. I do know my last month at the halfway house partially helped to fuel it; but I could have taken other ways of self-destructing. Yet it was ED I chose. Why? Because I wanted to be thin? Because I thought being thin would be a wonderful accomplishment? But WHY did I think that? Why am I still so scared that they're going to make me gain more weight? How can I be convinced that maybe my ED isn't so bad just because I'm mostly able to follow a meal plan now?

I am so very very confused. The thoughts run around in my head in circles. And amid all of this I'm having to fight that anxiety and depression because of the money issues, because of the boredom... having nothing productive to do with my time, not feeling useful, etc. I just don't know what to do, except to try and keep on trucking, and distract myself, and eat these meals and these snacks. It's just that right now there's this emptiness within me that I'm trying very hard to ignore, because if I give into it I'm going to want to do ED behaviors. So it basically means I can't really feel anything I'm feeling. No wonder I feel so empty.

Maybe the clinic can teach me how to feel emotions again without going insane. That would probably be a useful skill. I wonder if that's even possible.

2009-11-22T01:46:00.000-03:30

Crossposted from forum.

I need to write in here before I go completely insane.

Feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. Mind trying to disconnect from itself, fly away into nothingness. I am not real in moments like this. I do not exist at all. This body is a shell, oozing some pseudo semblance of humanity. Pretending to be something they call human; but there is really nothing here at all.

I cannot deal with myself or how I am, how I feel, and it is why I turn and have turned to so many addictive behaviors over the years. Cutting. Bulimia. Starving. The occasional alcohol binges, smoking up to get oblivious, cravings for benzos and painkillers and hallucinogens. I just want to get away from this slimy, filthy, needy thing that I am, that worms and threads itself through me as the veins through my limbs and torso and brain. But I can't. I can never get away. But I can't deal, either.

I don't know what this means, or where this is going, or anything. I think I'm a little dissociated right now, partially induced by bulimia, but also partially just by my own head, by the ways it naturally wants to go when given the opportunity. And right now my brain, my consciousness, wants to be anywhere, anywhere but right here.

Fuck my fucking life. Seriously. I'm never going to learn how to do any of this shit right.

2009-11-11T15:43:00.000-03:30

So yesterday I had some kind of... breakthrough. You can tell me after you read this if you think it's good or bad. It happened with basically no warning whatsoever, which is why I am suspicious that the Risperdal may actually have had something to do with it, though I guess I can't really know for sure.

The first thing was that I began noticing I was feeling things. A lot of things. I haven't had so many strong emotions in a long time. But the thing that was more amazing was that it didn't bother me to feel them. I could sit there and experience all these feelings -- joy, sadness, loneliness -- without feeling my usual urge to go do something about them. Once I realized this, I started thinking a little further, and realized... oh my god... I didn't feel like binging.

What the actual fuck, right? This urge to binge has been my nemesis for months, years. It seems to matter little what my weight is, except that when I'm lower in weight I get it more intensely, for obvious reasons. But yesterday I realized... thinking about it in a way that would usually trigger me into wanting to binge SO BAD... that I could actually resist the urges if I wanted to. I mean, yes, I was at school and didn't quite have access to binge food at that particular moment; but not long before that, I had been able to resist only because of lack of binge food, and suddenly I just realized I had... a choice. I had... control.

I hadn't realized just how bad this bulimia thing really was until it was suddenly gone. Until I lacked the desperate NEED to stuff food in my mouth, even when I didn't want to purge, or sometimes even when I didn't want to eat at all. I can't explain how fucking freeing this feels. It really honest to God feels like magic or something. It's crazy.

Of course, I doubt the drug because the doctor told me it would probably take a week to start seeing therapeutic effects, and I've only been on this for five nights so far. Maybe, psychologically, I've been working up to this moment, and that's why it happened. Maybe maybe maybe. But I also doubt myself, and so I will keep taking this drug. Out of fear; out of delight.

The problem, however, is also going to be the very same thing that got rid of the bulimia: the fact that I have control. Because now it seems like nothing to restrict, to lose weight, and I also feel like I am on some sort of ridiculous high doing it. I don't like the few lbs I gained, and I still have all those goal weights I never met, and I feel like I can DO this now, and it feels so fucking GREAT, so why wouldn't I do it?!?! It's almost mania-like, except that I still have that control, and people who are manic don't actually have control. (This drug is prescribed to COUNTER manic highs.) So then I thought... fasting high? But why didn't I have it before, if that's what it is? Lord knows that back in August/September I starved harder than I am starving now, and felt worse doing it. Why this better feeling now?

So... is this truly good, or actually bad, or a little of both? It confuses the hell out of me. I do think it puts me in a better position to actually recover -- I can actually control my urges to b/p, at least for now -- but what of this possibility of unleashed, non-painful anorexia? That can't possibly be a good thing, but, again, I feel like it would be FANTASTIC, and it feels fantastic... and I can no more resist this feeling right now than I could resist b/p urges before.

What an odd fucking life I have sometimes. Lol. Seriously. Does this kind of shit actually happen to other people? It's completely and utterly absurd.

2009-11-10T11:36:00.000-03:30

So, as some of you may know, I post all the updates I've been putting here on a forum I frequent. Regarding my last post, a friend said, at the end of a fairly lengthy response:

Is there anything nice you can do for yourself - not relating to the ED at all that might lift you a little? [...] Sorry I've rambled so much.

And here are the two entries that I wrote today.

7:43 AM

Don't be sorry, R, love... I really appreciate your reply :). As for doing nice things for me, well, I'm trying to get out of the house a little more and stuff like that. I still have my novel for NaNoWriMo, although I only have about 2k words total so far (will need to write ~2400 a day to win at this point, but I'm not so concerned about winning). I went to choir last night, which I do every week, and then after I hung out with my friend and we had a good chat. Haven't seen her in far too long, so it was good!

I am also trying not to refuse meals, etc, when people offer them, or for things like formers' supper, where obviously I'd be expected to eat. I'm actually going to supper at my parents' house tonight -- we're having ribs. Of course, I'm also planning on eating very little all day so I don't gain anything, and hopefully lose. *sigh* It never ends.

Anyway, there's not exactly any need to worry about my weight atm, as I've gained :|. Yesterday I was 106.4 in the morning, and 105.4 an hour or two later; today I was 105.8. The fact that I had at least 1600-1700 calories yesterday probably did not help that very much. Oh well -- I don't intend to have that number again today. I do not want to be this weight. More incentive to get the b/ping under control, I suppose, as I know basically all the weight gain came from the binging, and/or some possible residual edema. I feel much better edema-wise today, though, so I'm not convinced I'm actually retaining a ton of fluid at this point. But I guess you never know.

Blah. *heavy sigh*

Also, I have my echocardiogram today. Let's hope I'm not medically unstable in any way. Heartbeat was doing odd things last night -- pace would change seemingly randomly, & did so several times. I didn't actually skip any beats or anything like that... the speed at which it was beating just kept changing. But I'm sure that whatever it is will probably be caught on the echo, as I don't really feel any different this morning, so we shall see how it goes. Hopefully I'm just being a hypochondriac again.

11:02 AM:

Had the echo... the technician asked me if my doctor had ever said anything to me about a heart murmur :|. Thing is, I was listening to it as it was being done (during some short parts you can hear sound) and a few of them did sound a little funny :S. She also asked me, after she'd finished the echo, if I had an appointment scheduled with my doctor, and I said that I was seeing him on December 8th, and she said, "Oh, not till December?" like she thought it should be sooner. Ughhhh. Paranoia. :| :|

Anyway, I see my GP next week, on Tuesday, so I'll mention it to her then. It's easy enough for her to get the stethoscope out and listen to my heart to see if there really is a murmur, or whatever. Plus I spose I really need to bring up the fatigue, the dizziness I've been having randomly since last night, that sort of thing. For now the confusion seems to be at bay, which is a good thing, but I am aware that it could be due to my extra calories yesterday. Note the word "could". Hypochondriac yet again. I worry about these things too much. :/

2009-11-08T15:13:00.000-03:30

So the extreme sleepy-making side effects of the Risperdal mostly died after day 1, and seem to be basically entirely gone now. However, I am still having a lot of difficulty with concentration, etc. Thing is, I'm not convinced it's the med that's doing this. It seems like when I eat a little more, or smaller amounts more frequently, I do not have such huge issues with being able to focus. When I don't do either, however, my brain and my body turn themselves to shit. Or so it's been the last couple of days. :S

Woke up with really bad edema this morning. Fingers were all swollen and inflexible. Of course, my stupid ass didn't drink proper fluids to drive the edema out... no, I decided instead to have coffee so the diuretic effect would make the edema go away :S. I know this is not going to work in the long term... I need to hydrate properly. But I didn't want to have to drink all the fluids, and stay edemic for a long time, and probably not get to leave my house because I was "fat" from water retention, so I drank coffee, made some more coffee, and came out to the university instead. :|

Actually, I'm having a lot of symptoms of hypokalemia (low potassium), which I know really isn't good. The edema. Being thirsty all the time (and drinking plain fluids doesn't seem to alleviate my thirst much). Also, "confusion" can be another symptom, so maybe my mental symptoms are some kind of combination of low-ish blood sugar and low-ish potassium... I don't really know. [I was also really shaky and funny-feeling this morning when getting on the bus, walking, etc.] I'm not exactly a doctor, so I shouldn't be diagnosing myself with shit, I realize. But low potassium is something I should be aware of the possibility of, because it can cause serious problems if it gets too bad.

Thing is, even though I'm thinking this all through, trying to keep track of it, etc... I don't see how I can possibly fix it. I feel like I can't change the habits of the ED, even if it does eventually lead to medical instability. I just can't. Do it. I guess it's that OCD-like rigidity which does seem to accompany my ED, even when it's not pure, or even "good", restricting. I get very set in the sort of routine I build for myself, or a set of ways I can feel within the ED, and anything that threatens to interrupt it is unacceptable. But it really isn't going to be cool if keeping myself together mentally makes me seriously unstable physically. -.-

Also, I realized that I haven't been updating about appointments and things lately, so although this entry is about a thousand years long already, I will do that now. I mean, everyone is obviously more than welcome to skip reading it if they want. Lol.

So I finally had my cardiologist appointment last Monday. What he said to me, basically, was that he doesn't think there's anything really wrong with me, either... but he's still sending me for more tests -.-. I got a cardiac stress test booked when I was there, which is for either late November or early December, and they sent me a letter in the mail about an echocardiogram, which I'm supposed to get done on Tuesday. Which is odd, as I was under the impression that it took awhile to book ECGs, but I guess it's also good? At least I'll get it out of the way, anyhow.

So it looks like the ED clinic may be even slower in coming now. *sigh*. However, my social worker (who is amazing) had previously sent a referral for an interim dietician on my behalf, and that person called me on... Thursday, I believe? So I actually have an appointment with her for this coming Thursday. I'm pretty nervous about it, on the one hand, because I know she's going to weigh me, will ask me fairly in-depth about eating behaviors, etc. On the other hand, I know I can simply leave the appointment and do absolutely nothing that she suggests. But the recovery-oriented part of me is not going to let me do that -- I know it won't. So I expect that this RD appointment is going to succeed in further widening the gash between my disordered and recovery sides, which may or may not be productive. But I can't just sit here and do nothing, either. It's pretty confusing. Then again, everything seems to be lately. :/

PS: I apologize if part of this are badly written. I guess it makes sense that an inability to properly focus/concentrate would come out in my writing, too. :S

2009-11-06T15:09:00.000-03:30

Went to the psychiatrist yesterday, and was talking about the ED being worse, having dropped school, etc. I told him, among other things, that my anxiety was a large part of the reason the recovery efforts I've made on my own haven't worked. He then offered to either try upping my Effexor dose, or start me on a small dose of an atypical antipsychotic, to help with the anxiety.

I quickly made it clear that I didn't think an Effexor increase would help, as I lost the most weight (50lbs in 4 months) when I was on a dosage of Effexor twice as high as it is now. However, I was worried about the weight gain side effects of antipsychotics, as I knew from friends' experiences that the reason people gain weight is because the pills make them hungrier, and I was afraid that I'd get increased/uncontrollable binge urges from certain ones, etc. He decided to try me on a low dose of Risperdal, as he said that has one of the lowest incidence of weight gain side effects among the atypical antipsychotics.

So I took my first dose, 1mg, last night, and... oh my GOD, the drowsiness. I woke up during the night and was vaguely afraid I'd stop breathing or my blood pressure would go too low, as I recall, because my physical body felt SO drugged. And today I am still in a stupor... it's hard even typing this. I AM hungrier, too, but today I think it's because I'm so drowsy/dopey that my body's trying to make me eat more to get some extra energy. Only I know that's not going to work, because food can't fix an artificial agent in my bloodstream/brain that's making me sleepy. I know this side effect will wear off within a couple of days, but OMFG, it's so bloody annoying for the moment. I just want it to go away now. Ugh.

2009-11-04T14:00:00.000-03:30

I'm so.. detached today. Things don't quite seem focused/real. Concentration is hard. I don't know if it's from fatigue, or because my therapy session today drained me, or what.

I do know that things are worse mentally. I am having a harder time dealing with all my stupid bullshit. I am so tired of the eating disorder, the things inside of me that I hate, all of it, but I can't face any of it. I want to run... but I know I can't run if I ever want to get truly better, because I've been running since I was 15, and running only makes me worse and worse and worse. In essence, in order for the fire to die, I have to walk through it, let it sear my flesh, let it tear me open, scream with the pain of it... and then when I am finally through the fire, all the worst parts will be burned away, and I can be healed. Or at least I think that's what's supposed to happen.

But I don't want to face my demons. I don't want to really, fully realize that I have a dark side that wants a place in my brain and body and soul. I don't want to be an adult -- sexual, knowing and enjoying the pleasurable, callous, dirty side of life. I don't want to acknowledge the desires that I have within myself, the ones that always come back no matter how hard I try to suppress them. So if I won't deal with my shit, and I am tired of playing the running game, what is the answer?

To my brain, the answer is death. I feel like I just don't want to be here anymore. I do not want to deal with this shit. I don't want to deal with anything. I want to kill myself -- whether slowly or quickly (ie, either via the eating disorder, or by ODing or something similar). Whichever way I do it, though, I want to know it is working... I either want to know that my ED is on a constant downward slope, or I want to fucking die already. I'm tired of life. I'm tired of trying to cope. I'm tired of everything.

I told my psychologist the essence of this today, and I felt a little better after saying it... for awhile. But that never lasts, either. So now all I've got left is this stupid fucking head of mine, and the hope that whatever part of me still wants to live and have a real life is going to be strong enough to get me through without drastic measures. I don't want to go through all the stupid shit around ODing again... doing it, getting scared or whatever, telling someone, ending up in hospital, getting medical treatment(s), getting psychiatry consults, being essentially not helped, being discharged. Rinse and repeat times a fucking thousand. I just can't do that right now. I can't. But I know I "shouldn't" lose a lot more weight. But I want to. But I'm not losing anything, because I turn to comfort eating and purging so often. But I can't seem to let myself get medically unstable from the bulimia, either... I'm always replacing things just enough that my body is maintaining itself. So I am also completely fucking failing at any attempt to get rid of myself. And I am, of course, also sick of being a failure.

My head is tearing me completely apart. I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. I am lost. I can't deal. Everything is fucked.

2009-11-01T15:27:00.000-03:30

I feel like I am falling down the rabbit hole.

I don't want to do anything. I don't want to be myself, or really be anyone else. I don't want to have to actively work at changing what I am, what I eat, what I do in my life, how I feel. It is all so tiring, and I am so tired, and sick of trying so hard when all it does is make me more and more and more tired.

I just want to not be so tired. So jaded. I want to believe the world means something, only I know that's bullshit. I spent my teen years trying to find meaning, connection, love, and look where I ended up. I got nothing. No answers, no one I can have a real relationship with and also be real, no one with whom I feel I can truly, totally show myself and be who I truly am. I can't be vulnerable; I can't be "with myself", present, just feeling what I feel; I can't be truly happy, or have true self-love, or actually WANT to take care of myself.

I am nothingness, and my head is being pulled back into the black hole.

2009-10-30T13:44:00.000-02:30

So yesterday was a pretty shit day in terms of eating... was restricting again all day (well, as much restricting as I seem able to do lately, anyway), and then b/ped when I came home from open mic last night. I was a little worried to see some of the baby carrots I'd eaten at... what, 1? 1:30?... come up at about 10:30-11 PM :| .

Today has been a little better, though -- only had coffee for breakfast as per usual, but I had my session with my social worker today, and afterwards she asked me if I wanted to stay for lunch at the house (M House), so I accepted. So I had a bowl of homemade turkey soup, a white dinner roll, a teeny tiny bowl of fruit salad, and some shortbread-like cookie thing. Well, and Coke Zero, but that doesn't really "count", I suppose.

I did have to leave my apartment basically right after I came back from M House, though, because I knew I would binge if I sat in my place much longer. I really have to get over this thing where being home seems to = automatic binge trigger. There are times when I can be at home for 3, 4, 5 hours without wanting to binge, but the urges never fail to come sooner or later. I know that at least part of this has got to be due to the restriction/malnourishment... but that doesn't make it any easier to mentally handle the urges, or always eat when I feel binge-y. The restrictive part of my disorder simply can't handle keeping down good amounts of foods for extended periods, yet. I seem to be able to eat normally or semi-normally every 2-3 days, anyway, so that's sort of an improvement, I guess??

I don't know if I'm going to be able to make any sort of "supper" for myself tonight, let alone keep it down, though. It seems that when I am served food, instead of having to make it for myself, I can handle that if I decide it's okay to eat it; but even if I am hungry, know I should eat healthily, I find it near impossible to actually prepare meals for myself. I think it's because it feels like I'm being so "nice" to myself when I do that, and I don't want to be nice to myself. It also feels like some dam inside me is going to burst apart, and everything inside of me is going to flood out and destroy me / others, if I let go of this ED. That's the bigger part of it, I think. Somehow I have to figure out how to deal with that... but I have absolutely no idea how doing so would work at present. :S

2009-10-28T21:22:00.001-02:30

"Breakfast": Medium light roast coffee with milk and sweetener

Lunch: Small veggie pita on whole wheat with lettuce, tomato, cucumber, green pepper, mushroom, hummus, honey mustard, and light mayo; a bottle of Diet Pepsi

"Snack", aka Niika-can't-control-her-damned-self: Two shortbread cookies in the form of pumpkins, with orange icing

Supper: Formers' Supper at M House -- half plate spaghetti with meat sauce & mushrooms; quarter plate of Caesar salad with like... 1 crouton and two bacon bits :| ; 1 piece of multigrain garlic bread; maybe around a cup of iced tea

Snack: A piece of the half chocolate, half butter pecan cake with orange icing (Halloween cake) that was made for dessert; not quite half of a bottle of Diet Pepsi

My stomach has decided to be a bitch tonight and give me ulcer/hernia/whatever-the-hell-it-is problems. Love the thanks my body gives me for eating more -.- . On the other hand, I'm sure these stomach problems would never have happened in the first place had it not been for the ED, so probably the only way I'm going to be able to fix the pain is eat normally, not purge, and grin and bear it in the meantime. I managed to eat more today, but I'm already planning to b/p at least once when I get home, because I simply can't resist the impulse, and I want to, and I need it. Also known as: fuck my stupid fucking head. :/

Also: My social worker called the ED clinic the other day about whether I could see someone while waiting for the referral to go through, and it turns out that there's some outpatient dietician who only has about a 2-3 week waiting list at the moment. So she sent the referral off tonight. If I get into the clinic before the dietician can see me I can just not go; but if there is any sort of delay with getting clinic services (and given what's already gone on, that's not so unlikely), I will at least be able to talk to someone about it and attempt to get some kind of meal plan or something. I guess I'll see if and when I get there. *shrug*

2009-10-27T07:45:00.000-02:30

Complete fail at recovery. My ability to eat "more" lasted all of one day... then on Sunday I ate a bagel with cream cheese from Tim Hortons, really early in the day, freaked out about eating even MORE later on in the day and really truly starting to gain weight, and ended up b/ping. Four times. :|

Yesterday... well, I wish I could say I didn't eat "much" aside from the two b/ps I had. I tried not to eat much, but it didn't quite work out that way, as a lot more ended up digesting than I had planned. And then at the end of it all, of course, I got slightly hypoglycemic, so I ate fucking maple kisses candies, and had a glass of apple juice. I am a fucking fatass.

My mindset these last couple of days has been really really horrid, as well. I keep wishing I would just die already -- feeling like simply expiring would be a really good thing. I don't have any plans to act on this right now (no worries)... it's a pretty passive desire. Right now, actually, my inclination is to let the ED do it for me. Which may be another part of the reason why I b/ped six times in two days.

The right corner of my mouth is starting to get a red mark on it. I am pale. I am only letting myself drink coffee before I see my GP today at 1:30 (it's 7:40 now), as I don't want to seem overly fat on her scale, which reads about 2lbs heavier than mine because of clothing and such. I was 101.6 this morning; my hope is that, if she does weigh me today, her scale will say something around 103. Which would be a BMI of 17.8. Which isn't low enough, granted, but it's lower than my last weigh-in at her office (107.5; BMI of about 18.6?).

I feel quite self-destructive. Instead of slicing up my skin (which I have thought about also), I feel like I am waging war on my esophagus, stomach, intestines. The constant b/ping, even if my chemistry is not horribly imbalanced yet, is definitely taking its toll on the "hardware" of my body. I know I still have that ulcer/stomach thing, at least, because over the last couple days it's been hurting more. Which of course makes perfect sense.

All I want to do is destroy myself. Kill this stupid thing inside me that I can't even identify, let alone figure out how to fix. What is it about me that I hate so much? What is it that's inside me that I need to kill so badly that I'm willing to literally, physically die to not have to see it or deal with it?

I don't know. I don't fucking know.

2009-10-23T15:58:00.000-02:30

I am trying to attempt to eat a little more throughout the day -- sometimes -- but I am terrified of gaining weight, still, so I will not eat any more than my body will allow me to. So far today I've had about 6 or 7 sweet chili heat Doritos, about 1/2 bowl or a little more of a (very full and very chunky) bowl of turkey soup, and a coffee. I still feel full right now, actually, but I can't tell whether that's my anxiety or my stomach talking at this particular moment. Either way, I can't allow myself to eat more until I feel really, truly hungry. And even then it has to be "good" things, and I have to have something of a decent portion, or, preferably, I have to know the calories in the food.

I don't know. I feel like this is a "positive step", yet I'm aware that I'm still not eating "enough". Yet I'm trying to eat more throughout the day than I was willing to eat during the day before, and I'm not as cold, and when I do manage it I feel less weak, seem to have more brainpower, etc. So I am doing "better", I guess. And yet I have no idea if I actually am gaining weight, as the lack of cold, etc, would mean my metabolism is slightly higher than before, which means I am (hopefully) maintaining. Again, I'm super terrified of gaining weight, and right now I'm also not 100% convinced I need or want to gain anything, ever, so I can't let myself. I am also still b/ping... but there were a couple of days I didn't b/p at all, not so long ago. So does that make me any better, or am I just fooling myself? I don't know. *sigh* But I am trying not to let myself regress further, and so any tiny baby steps I can take may help. Or so I am telling myself.

A week and three days until my cardiologist appointment. Follow-up with my GP re: medical tests on Tuesday. Therapy with psychologist as usual on Wednesday.

Ho-hum.

2009-10-15T15:03:00.000-02:30

I am losing my motivation.

I am not thin enough, sick enough, good enough for treatment.

Plus, I'm starting to really want to self-destruct. I feel like I am a horrible, awful person, and I deserve the pain. I deserve everything I get for doing this stuff to myself, for being so wrong on the inside, for being such a horrible failure.

Feeling good, or even okay, doesn't feel "right" anymore. All that feels right is discomfort and self-torture.

A rainy day, a muddy hill, and I am slipping down it.

2009-10-13T23:03:00.000-02:30

Went to the fill-in GP today, and now I have to get a whole bunch of tests done... ugh. She gave me slips for bloodwork, a new EKG, and a chest x-ray; I'm also being sent for a H. pylori breath test thing, and an upper GI series. Essentially, she thinks I might have a stomach ulcer... however, because my primary complaint was chest pain, and because I told her that I had an eating disorder (which I described as "bulimia slash restricting"), she's sending me off for a bunch of other stuff as well, like the EKG, iron and B12 levels, etc. Oh, yeah, and the area where my gallbladder is felt odd/bad when she poked at it, so she's testing that too. :|

She got me to make an appointment for two weeks from now to see my regular GP, I guess to get checked out again as well as to get the results from some of the lab work, etc. My blood pressure was 140/90, which is a bit high, but I'd JUST had coffee, not to mention I was quite anxious, so the combination evidently did me no favors. My pulse was 70, though, which is fine. In the meantime, she has told me to cut back on the caffeine (!), and to try and keep something in my stomach at all times (!!). I can probably cut back the caffeine, although I doubt I can give it up altogether, but there's no way in hell I'm eating smaller meals throughout the day, or whatever. My calories are NOT going up. I feel fat enough already without eating all sorts of other extra shit. She did put me on a temporary double dose of Prevacid, though, which should help even if I can't bring myself to eat and keep down much more.

Nothing else is really very different, aside from the fact that my level of frustration has gone up another few notches. I just wish I didn't have to run back and forth to the doctor's office and the hospital and the psychology/psychiatry clinic and M House all the fucking time, especially because all it's doing right now is slowing my still-fairly-fast-moving trainwreck. I wish I just knew how to be fucking normal, and be okay with myself, and be able to tolerate life without destroying my body and mind and in the process. I don't know what the fuck it's going to take to get me to wake the fuck up.

2009-10-09T14:33:00.000-02:30

Made an appointment with the GP on Tuesday. It's not my regular GP, as she's off till Wednesday, but I have no trouble admitting I'm bulimic and talking about physical symptoms, so I'll go anyway. Probably better to do it quickly, when I'm still willing to go / have the symptoms, etc.

I was actually not having any pain or discomfort at all, but it started to hurt when I began drinking my coffee this morning -- first in my stomach/throat area, and later it felt more like it was in my chest. That makes me think it's a problem with my esophagus or stomach, probably caused by the purging :|. It would make sense, given that I purge every day, and sometimes 2 or 3 times a day, and that in between times I drink a lot of acidic things and don't exactly coat my stomach with food. I guess I'll find out for sure when I go on Tuesday.

Today I was 100.4, which means that my BMI is "officially" below 17.5. I wish that made me happy, but it really doesn't. I feel just as shitty about my weight as I did at 17.5, or 17.6, or in the 18s or 19s for that matter. I feel like the biggest fucking heifer alive. And I'm getting utterly terrified of food.

I'm supposed to eat (vegetarian) pizza tomorrow at volunteer training. Eat Thanksgiving dinner at a friend's house the night after that. Next Wednesday I also have to eat another Thanksgiving dinner, as there is a tenant meeting at my apartment building, which is going to be based around a turkey dinner. I mean, FUCK. I try to be fucking social, and not go crazy from social isolation, but the result of that is that people have to push all this fucking fattening greasy disgusting food in my face??? It really fucking pisses me off. And I may not be able to finish the food anyway, because it terrifies me. That won't be such a problem at the tenant meeting... but around all my friends, all of whom know I have an eating problem, and have watched me as I've lost from healthy to underweight? AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

2009-10-08T09:37:00.000-02:30

Still doing shitty. Feel a bit crap physically as well. For the last day or two I've had weird pseudo chest pain things, which I think are mostly anxiety, too much caffeine, and/or not enough liquids. I've had plenty of all three, believe me. I'm considering booking an appointment with my GP, but I probably won't. What would I say to her? "Hey, look, I know you know I have an ED, and you can't do anything for me until I go to the specialist, but I feel like crap, so waaaah." ??? No thanks. I mean, maybe I should be having blood tests at least semi-regularly, even if just for electrolytes.... or maybe I'm just a fucking attention-seeking hypochondriac, and nothing I do is acutually bad enough for things to go medically wrong with me. Mostly I'm pretty convinced of the latter. Hence not going to the doctor, like, ever.

I did drop school, also... deregistered for my term on Monday. That means that student loan will get back 25% of the money they paid for my tuition/fees, which is better for me, as it'll be a little less to pay back, at least. The money they gave me for rent and living expenses is mine unless I choose to give it back, which I'd have to be an IDIOT to do, so it's still going to pay my rent and living expenses for Sept through November. After that... well, I guess it'll probably end up being social assistance for me. If I haven't got the energy to do school and still be functional in other areas, I hardly see how I could have the energy to work a full-time job and still be functional.

I'm seriously starting to get really, really sick of this ED bullshit now. I've even considered going back to Homewood, which is a place I swore I'd NEVER go back to again, as I had so many issues with their meal plan and general program the first time around. I think my brain is grasping at any possible straws that might keep me afloat, because I have nothing right now. Zero. Nadda. Zilch. No support. No monitoring. Not a goddamned fucking thing. And that does kinda piss me off; but at the same time part of me doesn't think I need or deserve it.

Sometimes I really hate my stupid fucking brain.

2009-10-07T16:37:00.000-02:30

Had therapy today... my sessions are getting weirder and weirder. Today I dissociated fairly badly because I was anxious, to the point that I actually forgot a thread of conversation, and I was kind of drifting in and out a bit. When I was finally able to ground myself a little better, I was rewarded with anxiety so strong it felt like the beginnings of a panic attack, and I couldn't quite feel myself as one whole being physically, although I could feel my limbs separately if I thought about it (my psychologist asked me if I could feel my limbs). The psychologist actually had to talk me through a grounding-type technique... you know, paying attention to my body, how my feet felt on the floor, the things that were around me, etc. I was able to get back into myself and calm down a little after that, but still.

I could only shake my head and be puzzled, and the smallest bit scared, about the incident while it was happening. Sometimes I can kind of play off my psychological workings as no big deal, but it's when things like that happen that I truly realize: I have issues. Like, not just something small that "ought" to be able to be fixed fairly easily; not just things I do to myself that I "could" stop at any time. Huge, motherfucking, this-shit-will-not-go-away-just-because-I-want-it-to ISSUES. And I don't know how to handle that, or what to do with all the emotions and "strange" thoughts/perceptions that the therapy brings up. I definitely think it's a decent part of the reason why the ED is so strong right now.

The problem, as I see it, is this: the people who treat my ED need to understand that this is the sort of place where it comes from. But will they understand? What the hell are they going to know about borderline, and this dissociative / emotionally intense thing I've got going on? Are they actually going to understand the underlying issues? Or am I once again going to get totally shitty surface treatment for the ED?

I just don't know. I don't fucking know. And I am helpless to know, or to do anything about it. All I can do is sit here and wait -- wait for my specialist appointment, wait for professionals to do their bit, wait for the program, and hope to hell the program is actually up to scratch.

2009-10-02T17:16:00.000-02:30

So I have made a decision... one which might sound a bit like it's coming from left field to a lot of you, but I can assure you it's not. I think I may be dropping my current term of school.

Why? Because I have very limited energy right now, and when I'm going to classes, the act of going there, being in class, and actively listening and learning takes up the vast majority of my energy. It has resulted in basically every other area of my life getting sorely neglected. My apartment is a mess. I haven't even been showering regularly. I don't see my friends or second family (aka the people at M House) nearly as often as I want to. And why? Because I simply don't have the energy for it.

Unfortunately, this lack of energy also extends into any schoolwork I have to complete outside of class time. Which means that most of my reading, homework, and studying simply doesn't get done, either. There's no way I can achieve academically the way I should achieve if I can't do most of my post-lectures work.

So... something has to give somewhere, and I came to the realization yesterday that this "something" will be one of two things: My sanity, or this school business. Believe it or not, it is a sign of progress that I am doing this now, rather than trying and trying to plow through when I'm really not capable of functioning properly. I have dropped 3 semesters of school in the past, and every time I did it it was retroactively, after I had a complete breakdown and landed myself in the hospital. This time I can actually see that this isn't going to turn out well if I keep going, and I'm making an attempt to stop this particular trainwreck before it gets itself going.

The emotional impact of the decision hasn't hit me yet, mainly because I haven't actually physically dropped the courses yet; but I suspect that there will be a decent emotional blow after the courses are gone. But even though it's going to be hard, I really think I need to do it. I think it would be best for me right now, especially considering how long it's going to take me to get into the ED clinic, to ease up on myself and try to focus on at least retaining as much of my self as I possibly can.

The appointment with the cardiologist isn't until November 2nd, by the way. So I have until at least then to wait.

Gotta go... library's closing.

2009-10-02T14:46:00.001-02:30

(Posted yesterday on forum.)

A friend had written to me: Do you have any idea what caused this plummet in things love?

October 1st, 2009

I have known this relapse was coming since a few weeks before I left M House. I don't know why I knew it, or what specifically precipitated it. Maybe it's just that I couldn't deal with the shit that was beginning to come up mentally/emotionally, even while still there. So I began to withdraw. And self-destruct.

Ate extra tonight. Rather hate myself for it. Stomach feels sloshy inside. I hate that feeling. It makes me feel fat. Of course, I am fat, so it's only natural I should feel that way.

Fuck ED. Fuck school. Fuck life. Fuck everything. I'm too tired to deal with this stupid shit right now.

Maybe I'll just hide out in my house for the rest of my life, aside from essential errands. Things would be much less exhausting that way.

2009-09-30T13:47:00.000-02:30

Today and yesterday I was 101. That makes my BMI 17.5. Percentile as it relates to the average American's weight for a woman my age and height: 9th. Clinically underweight. Yadda yadda yadda. But it is not good enough. I am not good enough. And I feel that losing more weight is the only way I have right now of even trying to be good enough. So I must pursue it as much as I am able to. I know that is a fucked-up way of thinking... so why don't I stop? Why does it seem that even when I try to, I can't stop?

I dislike my life in general right now. Everything seems just a bit useless, just a bit pointless. I go through every day, do most of the things I need to do, but I'm like a puppet -- going through the motions instead of truly living. I'm not really connected to any of it. This ED puts a barrier between me and others -- between me and the world. It is a hazy screen which I must always look through these days, because it never seems to go away.

Doldrum and loneliness.

2009-09-28T09:03:00.000-02:30

101.8 today; 102 yesterday. That puts my BMI at 17.6.

Everything is still the same. Still restricting, & still b/ping at least once a day. I usually restrict in the daytimes, and b/ps will take place at nights. I prefer it that way. Makes me feel like I have at least a modicum of self-control.

GP's office hasn't called back about specialist appointment yet. If I don't hear anything by tomorrow afternoon I'll phone them instead. See my social worker tomorrow at 3, and my psychologist on Wednesday at 10:30 as per usual. I didn't do my homework for my SW (again), but I don't really care. She can get mad at me if she wants.

2009-09-26T13:00:00.002-02:30

So not only did I end up eating yesterday, but I absolutely could not resist a b/p. I needed it so, so badly, and I could not control it.

I think I am an addict.

2009-09-25T13:39:00.000-02:30

Been meaning to update for a few days... have been putting it off. Oh well. It's not like it can't wait.

Had a binge of epic fucking proportions last night. That, plus my overeating of the day before (due to being sick -- the food made me feel better), put 3.4 fucking pounds on me. I am completely grossed out. However, I fully intend to compensate for my disgusting-ness by coffee/liquid fasting for the next three days. Which means coffee is the only liquid I will consume that actually has many calories in it (milk). Everything else will be diet soda, Crystal Light (about 5 cals per cup?), maybe some flavored electrolyte water (5 cals per 2 cups), and water. If I've got any fucking willpower left, I can liquid fast for three days. And I DO have willpower left. I am going to prove it to myself by doing this.

I'm also doing this because my gag reflex seems to be dying, which is why I binged so badly last night and didn't purge. I had already binged once before that night, but despite heaving and heaving it would NOT all come out. And I wanted to binge too fucking badly to be able to stop myself. By the time I managed to stop eating last night (due to an EXTREMELY spicy hot n sour noodle cup), I quite literally looked like I was about 2-3 months pregnant. I think I actually have pictures of it on my phone. Maybe I'll post them. Or maybe not. I don't generally like posting body image photos.

Another thing I've been meaning to write about is the ED clinic referral... which is becoming an ongoing and apparently epic saga . Actually, the word I've been calling it is "rigamarole". "Pedantic" would also apply.

My psychologist asked me at our last appointment on Wednesday if I wanted her to call the ED clinic and find out where I am on the waitlist process, which I agreed to, since I hadn't heard from them yet and was wondering why. She got me to write down my email address and told me that she'd send a message if she heard anything.

On Thursday at around lunchtime I got an email from her, which read as follows:

Hi. I spoke with the ED Program today. They are waiting for the return of the info package from your MD. Their policy is, if they have not received it back after one month, they will send a reminder letter to the MD. In this case, that would be early next week. Once they review that, and the info fits with their criteria, they will contact you for an interview and an RMI (to assess readiness for the program). The person I spoke with thought that would be within the next few weeks. Hope that helps.

That surprised me, because I had expected the delay to be on the ED clinic's end... since the hospital had let me go after the weird EKG thing, I figured everything was good to go.

So I called the GP's office, and she told me that the reason she hadn't sent my referral was actually because of the EKG. Apparently there was some slight abnormality in one of the waves. She said that they usually look for a specific kind of abnormality in EDs, which mine didn't fit, but she thinks the clinic probably won't be happy with that EKG and is likely to simply turn me down because of it. So she wants to send me to a cardiac specialist to get 100% medically cleared for all things cardiac. She didn't sound as if she thinks anything is really wrong with me, though. I think she's just being extremely thorough, so the ED clinic can't deny me for something minor that doesn't actually mean anything. You know.

So the bullshit factor just went up by about 1000... but I suppose, if something actually is wrong, I should find out. However, I suspect that all this is probably just a waste of time -- as if enough time hasn't been wasted already on this goddamned referral. But I've gone this far, I suppose, and I'll be damned if I let bureaucratic medical shit stand in my way. Or something. Or, y'know, I'll go because my GP will probably murder me if I don't. Whatever works. :P

So... yeeeeah. That's about where everything stands right now. I'm sure you're all highly interested. *yawn*